...Sometimes…okay
a lot of times…I get stuck into a routine, going through the motions. I find
myself focusing on the “to do” list that oftentimes seems never ending and
impossible to accomplish. By the day, more and more therapy referrals are
received. By the weeks and months, outreach opportunities grow and grow. And
most often, I find myself getting very overwhelmed by the high need of therapy
services. My heart breaks with each person I have to put on a waiting list. My
heart breaks with the thought of “what happens if I put this child on the
waiting list, but she is given away or abandoned prior to receiving therapy
services”. I often find myself thinking,
“oh gosh, I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know how to manage this
demand. Am I doing this right? Am I doing this well enough?”. Doubt after doubt
circulates through my mind. Recently, this is where I was - stuck. Stuck
looking at the "to do" list, stuck in a routine, stuck going through
the motions. But just the other day, I walked into the therapy room to grab a
referral sheet to fill out for yet another new kid and as I walked through the
threshold, I was smacked in my face. No, not by a hand of a child or a flying
object, but by the joy that overflowed the space. I stopped dead in my tracks
and looked around. I saw three patients receiving therapy while their parents
were actively involved smiling and laughing. I saw staff members and a rehab
tech student laughing, singing, and smiling while they were working with the
kids. I saw patients and parents just hanging out in the clinic to chat with
others. I saw pure joy. All doubts, all worries, all questions dissipated at
that moment. I stopped and joined in on the fun. The laughter, dancing and
smiles were just what I needed in that moment. The “to do” list no longer
mattered. The many responsibilities disappeared. In that moment, all that
mattered was being present. God quickly sent a gentle reminder of why HE put me
on this journey. God works in ways that we will never know or see until eternal
life. He puts us on journeys that we sometimes do not feel like we deserve or
journeys that we feel we are not good enough to follow or journeys that we feel
we are unsuccessful at or journeys that we simply are left to wonder “why me”.
But He has a plan for it all…and as long as we hold onto HIM, all will be
well. I will fully embrace the joy of this amazing journey....
That was written in late June/early July
(yes...of 2017). I honestly forgot that I had written it until just recently. I
do that a lot…write….but forget that I wrote and discover it later.
Anyway…recently I feel that I was falling back into that cycle of going through
the motions and losing sight of the important things. Losing my focus a bit.
Putting too much on my plate. I absolutely THRIVE on being busy…and I LOVE
it…at the same time, I also know when I put too much on myself. And I recently
found myself there again…back to all those same questions, doubts, and the
slight feelings of being overwhelmed. Feelings of not having enough hours in the
day to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished. Then I realize, once
again, that my flesh is what is placing all the expectations on me...not God. I
am a better “me” when He leads me and not my “to do” list.
I feel sometimes that my self-doubt thoughts
increase as the demand for services becomes greater and greater.
When
those daunting self-doubting questions arise, I sometimes think that God laughs
at me and probably wants to really just shake me and say “stop”….”just stop
with all that questioning yourself”. I suppose that is an overall lack of
self-confidence that I tend to fight against. I continuously remind myself -
through Him I have what I need so there is no need to have a lack of
confidence. God has the therapy program/clinic covered in His protection. God
has all the children (and adults) who need therapy services in His protection.
He will provide, I just need to follow his lead. In His timing he will provide.
I just need to be still and listen. I go back to the saying “If God puts you on
the journey, then he will provide for your journey”. No doubt exists in HIM
only in our flesh. So for today, I will set aside my “to do” list and I will
soak up the pure joy that overflows in the therapy room. I will laugh with the
kiddos and I will cry with the mothers if needed. I will open my ears and my
heart to hear the stories the families want to share. I will rejoice with new
victories and pray through new struggles. I will simply be present.
