The Three Stooges, Minus Mo...

This past Wednesday morning a fellow therapist and I began our journey to an organization nestled away in a little town outside of Cap-Haitien where we are staying for a week. We decided to fly from Port au Prince to Cap-Haitien instead of enduring the annoyingly long drive on a hot bus. The small airport that flys to Cap-Haitien is a much more pleasant experience than the main airport. It's quiet and calm and they even provided delicious Haitian coffee served in fancy little coffee mugs. I was not sure if I was to extend my pinky finger while enjoying the liquid encouragement or not. Erin unfortunately did not struggle with this decision as she was served her coffee in a small plastic cup....even strangers know her clumsiness with breakable items. After many laughs regarding how fancy I was with this little coffee mug and enduring many stares from others in the waiting area due to our lack of fancy clothes and shoes, off we went in our little puddle jumper plane. Thankfully the flying experience was much better than my first experience in that tiny plane and twenty five minutes later after a smooth flight we landed in Cap-Haitien, found the driver, and headed out to the organization that is our home for the week after a quick stop at a small store to buy food items. Due to the amazing selection at the store, or lack there of, our nightly dinners consist of pasta and tomato sauce, tuna, crackers, and canned vegetables. Don't be too jealous about our array of amazingly delicious food options. 

Upon arrival we quickly made ourselves at home...literally...we got out of the car and marched right into the guesthouse and got settled as of we lived here permanently. Then we quickly thought, "maybe we should tell the staff that we are here??" 

The first two days were highly successful as we completed 16 evaluations/assessments, fixed a few pieces of equipment, fitted a few orthotics, gathered all information for updated treatment plans, etc. We have shared many laughs and great conversation over the first two days. It was great catching up with the on ground staff and the therapy staff. And seeing all the kids again and meeting new little ones has been the best. 

This brings us to today...day three. We started our morning off debating who was on their "A" game today. You see, each day we decide what grade of a day that each of us is functioning on. We know that if at least one of us is on their "A" game, then we will have a successful day. But this morning...as I struggled to formulate a functional sentence in any language and Erin struggled with sensory overload trying to block out the noise from the daily weed eater outside our window we had a serious discussion regarding who was bringing their "A" game today. We decided to solve this delimma with a serious game of Rock Paper Scissors for the ultimate decision. As we started up the game, my heart started racing and all I could think was "I hope today is not the day for my "A" game".....

Whew. God had me covered in that one. Erin won and got the privilege of being on her "A" game for the day. Relief overflowed my body.

But five minutes later, I made a decision about our schedule that was way better than Erin's suggestion...I then questioned her ability to handle the "A" game today, but we quickly decided it doesn't start until we step foot out of the door. 

As we were finally heading out the door, 30 minutes later than scheduled, Erin stated "ok, A game here we come". I questioned her usage of "we", to which she explained she was referring to her and the hamsters in her head. Again, I was left questioning her ability to succeed at the "A" game for the day. Regardless, off we went to face the adventures awaiting us.

Our morning was not nearly as successful as the previous days. Around 11am we both were moving in slow motion and dragging our feet a bit. It was clearly evident that today was not a day for anyone's "A" game. 

After lunch we had 15 minutes to spare to which we decided we would lay on the couches instead of using our time wisely. And I must say that it was a glorious feeling for every part of me to lay motionless on that couch even if it was just for fifteen minutes. It always amazes me how quick 15 minutes goes by when relaxing and how slow it goes by when working....

Anyway, we gave ourselves a pep talk and off we went to see the next crew of kids. 

The rest of the afternoon was pretty uneventful aside from a few smacks to the face and butt smacks from aggressive little humans, working on our dodgeball skills as other playful children pelted us with balls, and Erin learning "RBF" due to a sassy little human giving us the eye when we entered into her home until the moment we left. 

Take aways from the day:

1. A cement drill bit does not easily drill into plastic.
2. We tend to take the longest route possible when walking from place to place...and often have to walk the same path 20 times due to our poor memory. 
3. Ashley was in fact not raised by a cow.
4. Neither of us were actually on our "A" game. 

Good thing we serve a merciful And gracious God because tomorrow is a new day and I am sure we will both be on our "A" game!! 

Disclaimer: explanation of the title of this blog - - typically, Erin and I are traveling alongside our other friend, Autumn. We make quite the group and have been deemed "The Three Stooges" as each of us take on a character of a Stooge. Unfortunately, this trip, Autumn was unable to join in on the fun so we are down a stooge. Next time though we will all be back together. 

Stay tuned for more adventures from the now Two Stooges...

Haitiversary and more...

Recently, I was walking up the mountain and began reflecting on the past few years. I tend to do that while I am walking – dive into my thoughts and process life here in a foreign country that is not all that foreign anymore. Then it hit me like a freight train…all the “anniversaries” that have seemed to quickly approach. I am not sure “anniversary” is an accurate word; however my brain is tired and I cannot come up with a more efficient word.  A small overview…

TEN years ago on July 31^st, I completed my Masters degree. Whoa. I was not prepared for that realization. Ten years ago we presented our Masters research projects representing the completion of our college education and the start to life in the “real world”.

August 2^nd brought about the four-year mark of my move to Haiti or what we tend to refer to as our “Haitiversary”. I struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that four years ago I packed up my belongings and set out on a 5-month adventure….

August 4^th marked ten years, yes 10 years again, since I started my career as an occupational therapist. Ten years. I know that in hindsight, this is not a long time...and it has not felt like ten years, as I cannot believe how fast the past ten years have flown by, but ten years just sounds like a long time.

So this annual “Haitiversary” post will encompass more than just the past four years. A fair warning – I have done a lot of walking lately – so this may be long and it may be scattered, but it will transparent and honest (well…as transparent as I get in sharing my inner thoughts).

When I set out on the journey of completing OT school, I was full of self-doubt. Not only did I set out to achieve a master’s degree, but I set out to complete that in only 4 years. I was not a bad student in high school; however I was not an over achiever or super motivated as a student. I received good grades, but I did not over exert myself by any stretch of the mind. Once I hit college, I stepped away from sports and focused solely on academics…but I did not know what I was getting myself into with undertaking a 4-year master’s degree program. Throughout the four years, there were many times that I really thought I would not succeed; however I am not sure why I felt that way. I think possibly, I stressed myself out by enjoying my college years a little too much all while undertaking a heavy class load. But somehow, I managed to pull off good grades and even completed the program with honors. I surprised myself to be honest. I am sure this did not surprise some; however I know it was a bit of a shock to many. I honestly surprised myself as I maintained a self-defeating, self-doubt mindset almost throughout the entire four years. But none the less, I quickly found myself onto the next stage of life – the “real world”.

Four days after graduation, I joined the team at Kenny Rogers Children’s Center in Sikeston, Missouri. If you have not heard about this facility yet, please take the time to check it out at www.kennyrogerscenter.org. The center is a non-for-profit therapy facility providing OT, PT, and speech therapy services to children birth-21 years old of varying diagnoses. I was lucky enough to complete a 3-month clinical rotation at Kenny Rogers as part of my schooling. I was even more blessed that the staff saw something in me that I did not see in myself and offered me a job for after graduation, which was another 4-5 months away. Oftentimes, pediatric settings require experience in order to be hired as a therapist, which means new graduates are not typically hired. However, the center is fond of hiring new graduates and provides ample continuing education opportunities as well as a mentorship program. So for me, the philosophy of the center along with the continuing education opportunities resulted in my dream job. This job also came along with lifelong friendships with parents/families and co-workers. I typically always visit when I am in the area because it is still very much part of my life. I will also be forever thankful of the amazing educational opportunities while working at Kenny Rogers…it expanded my scope of practice in ways I never could have imagined.  

In addition, and most importantly, when I first set out into the real world, I was not a follower of Christ. I was actually pretty lost in life. On the outside, I had things together for the most part. But internally, I struggled a significant amount with knowing my self-worth. To the point, I pretty much had zero self-worth. I had already criticized myself in every way that if someone gave me a positive comment, I did not believe it. Moving to Cape Girardeau to work at Kenny Rogers was completely life changing, not only professionally, but also personally. Yes, it was a huge building block of my career, but ultimately, God took me there to find Him. He graciously surrounded me by people who spoke truth to me in a way that I did not feel less than or messed up. He surrounded me with people of deep faith who struggled with some of the same things I struggled with. People who walked beside me every step of the way with no judgment even when I messed up. I wholeheartedly know that if I had not taken the leap to move further away from family and friends to Cape Girardeau, then I would not have found Christ when I did…and I know my life would be drastically different then it is now….

I did not realize that OT was a true passion of mine for a really long time. I loved my career and I loved being an OT; however there was always a little part of me that seemed to be longing for more. Little did I know what that truly meant until God brought me to Haiti. Before coming to Haiti, I may have said OT was my passion, but once moving to Haiti, I can wholeheartedly say and believe that OT is a God given passion. My first trip to Haiti brought everything together. While participating in so much continuing education at Kenny Rogers, I occasionally thought “Do I really need this course?”. However, the first time I practiced therapy in Haiti, I quickly realized why God had placed all those opportunities in my path. The education was to be used in Haiti.

Which brings this to Haiti…a 5-month journey that has now turned into a 4+ year journey. If you have been a part of the journey since the beginning, then you would know that I began my Haiti journey in Kwadebouke (Croix-des-Bouquets) prior to moving to Gressier. I lived and worked at an already established, well run rehabilitation clinic. Although, I was there serving as the clinical coordinator for an OT student from the states who was completing a 3 month clinical rotation, I struggled to really have peace about why God had called me to this clinic. I thoroughly enjoyed the five months and learned so much about the culture in Haiti and rehabilitation in Haiti. I also learned a lot about my faith and myself. As my five months was coming to an end in Kwadebouke, I was asked to help with one patient at Respire Haiti. I agreed to serving at Respire to help this one patient and to work with a handful of other students who would benefit from therapy services.

When I first arrived in Gressier, I quickly realized that I was jumping into an environment that was already established within the staff…hmm…how do I explain that? Everyone had already appeared to be very close as many had been at Respire for a good amount of time…so I was jumping into a social situation where I definitely was a little bit on the outside. Well, probably not a little bit - definitely on the outside. I do not tend to be hesitant of change and typically jump into change without second thought, so that is what I did and began evaluating students 1-2 days after arriving on ground. I began working with Caila daily and a handful of other students each week.

After just three weeks, I was back on a plane with Caila heading to the states for what was supposed to be 4 weeks. Our trip ended up being 8 full weeks. Read previous blogs for those stories (they are beautiful stories).

Once Caila and I returned to Haiti, I had the expectation to continue working with Caila and the handful of students I was seeing prior to leaving. My time at Respire Haiti was to be just for a short period and to specifically work with Caila. Little did I know what God had planned…

Very quickly, kids started coming to the clinic gate on an almost daily basis. One by one I added kids to my schedule. Once I got up to around 30 or so kids, I felt a nudge and my heart said “keep adding”, but my mind said “no way, stop, you are only here for a short time”. Then one day, around ten referrals showed up at the gate. Not all at once, but throughout the day. In all honesty, fear set in. I fell into prayer and I pleaded with God that I was not the person to start a program or an actual therapy clinic. I would tell him “I am not the one, don’t choose me”. God continue to break down my heart with each and every patient that came knocking. One day, I gave up the fight and fell to my knees and said, “ok God. I will do this. For you, I will do this”. Even then, I did not realize what God was orchestrating. He had set this up perfectly as he normally does. For once, I did not resist to the point that I turned my back as I have done so many times previously in my life. Leading me to only a path of regret and shame. This time, I not only did not turn my back, but I jumped in with two feet and laid everything at His feet. I have been in awe ever since.

God took one child and one therapist and turned that story into a thriving therapy clinic with 5 therapists and hundreds of patients – children and adults. As I reflect on the journey thus far, words cannot describe my emotions or thoughts. It has been far from easy and I have experienced unimaginable heartache and pain. But God. Through the hardships and the pain, God has provided so much joy. When I walk into the therapy clinic, my heart is overwhelmed. Each and every day, I am blessed to be walking through life with so many amazing people. The therapy staff are four of the most amazing people I have ever met. They truly care for each patient and family member that walks through the door. They do not view their work as just a job, but they show a true passion to make a difference in Haiti. Each staff member is beyond willing to educate and empower the population we serve and spread that throughout the community. I prayed for staff for many months and God brought each staff member in His perfect timing. When I was fearful, God was faithful.

The patients and families are just as much as a blessing to me as the staff. I have watched hopeless faces turn into bright smiles and happiness. I have witness so many families go from wanting to give their child away to having an unbreakable bond. I have watched patient’s work harder than I ever could and gain progress that we never thought was possible. I have had children initially turn away from me in fear to running towards me and jumping in my arms in excitement. I have sat and cried in silence with parents/caregivers. I have sat and listened to the most heart wrenching stories I have ever heard, which typically leave me in disbelief. I have cried tears of joy when a child or an adult achieves a milestone we never thought possible. I have endured tragedy and triumph on an almost daily basis.  I have made lifelong friends and have lost a few friends. But each moment – the good, the bad, the ugly – will forever be etched into my heart. I am forever thankful for each one as learning and growth was a product. I have learned so much about my faith and myself and have grown in ways I never thought possible.

Over the past four years, I have experienced so many things that have only left me to say “why God”. Through it all, God has held me in his hands ever so gently and has always whispered to my soul “keep going, you will see”. Every time I have wanted to throw in the towel and give up, God is there saying “keep going”. So I keep going. I will lay it all at His feet and I will keep going through the heartache and the joy and soak up every minute that God gives me while on this journey.

Jean Woodlyn

Sweet Jean Woodlyn. Thursday at 2:00pm, I received a phone call from Jean Woodlyn’s mother. Through the sobs and broken words, we realized that Jean Woodlyn had passed away. As tears filled my eyes, I quickly became speechless. My heart broke into pieces as I listened to his precious mom sobbing…nothing dramatic, just true sobs of extreme pain from losing her beloved son.

Jean Woodlyn first came to Respire the week of Karnaval in February 2016. Everything was closed that week; however Belo and myself were at the clinic catching up on work. I remember Belo coming into the therapy room asking me to come meet with him and Jean Woodlyn’s mother. She was carrying her son ever so gracefully even though he was extremely difficult to carry. As she sat down, she placed Jean Woodlyn onto her lap; however he had to be placed on his stomach as his body was in a “U” shape due to severe spasticity. It was immediately evident that he was in extreme pain and discomfort. It was also evident that his mom, who loved him deeply, was at a loss as to how to help him. She was tired. She was hopeless. She was sad. I immediately worked with him completing an evaluation and gave appointments for future therapy sessions. His mom brought him every week, twice a week for therapy sessions. They live pretty far away from Respire; however they rarely missed a session over the last 2.5 years. Mom was also an active participant in the parent support group. She experienced a roller coaster of emotions and struggles over the past couple of years; however she always was an amazing advocate for Woodlyn. Something she would always tell other parents is “you need to be proud of your child. God gave you your child and you need to be proud”. And that she was…she was so proud of Jean Woodlyn.

Jean Woodlyn had a special bond with his mom. He was non-verbal, but she ALWAYS knew what he needed and wanted by his facial expressions and noises he would make. If he was upset, she was able to calm him simply by whispering into his ear. She knew when he was hungry. She knew when he was thirsty. She knew when he was in pain. She knew when he was happy. Nothing made him smile more than when he saw his mom.

Woodlyn will be dearly missed. Every Monday and Wednesday will feel a little different without his mom bringing him to therapy. But we are blessed to have hope in Jesus and in heaven. Through the heartache, I find myself smiling. Smiling because Jean Woodlyn is no longer in pain. He is now able to stand tall and run around and talk. I picture him flashing his award-winning smile as he is running and laughing. Jesus called him home for reasons we may never know. For now, I will find peace in knowing he is now completely healed forever.

Revelation 21:4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Blessings through the heaviness...

Last week was a long week full of ups and way too many downs. Heartache and joy overflowed each day. The stories that filled the week consisted of great sadness, confusion, and hopelessness at times. However, there were stories of overcoming barriers and obstacles and stories that have provided long awaited answers. It simply was a week of great emotional exhaustion as every hour of each day brought forth a roller coaster of emotion. As I sit and reflect on each and every story, the greatest joy overflows my heart as I think about one event. On Thursday, our two special needs classrooms had an end of the year party…and those kids and teachers know how to party. The party included dancing, singing, preaching, story time, a short film, more preaching, more dancing, and more singing. Whew. After 3.5 hours, the party came to an end and everyone went on their way. I headed back to the clinic and attempted to work, but I quickly realized I was not cut out for 3.5 hour long parties in the middle of the day. However, I was beyond blessed to be a part of the fun. Watching this group of teachers and students truly celebrate life with no worries in the world was amazing. The teachers celebrated each child in a way that made each of them feel deeply loved. They announced each kid and clapped as he/she danced his/her way into the classroom. They allowed each child to stand in front of the class to dance, sing, preach, or all of the above. Each student was told how perfectly and beautifully he/she was made. The pure joy written across each face expressed exactly what was felt on the inside. It was a blast!! Now enjoy some pictures of the event!!

Finding the Joy

...Sometimes…okay a lot of times…I get stuck into a routine, going through the motions. I find myself focusing on the “to do” list that oftentimes seems never ending and impossible to accomplish. By the day, more and more therapy referrals are received. By the weeks and months, outreach opportunities grow and grow. And most often, I find myself getting very overwhelmed by the high need of therapy services. My heart breaks with each person I have to put on a waiting list. My heart breaks with the thought of “what happens if I put this child on the waiting list, but she is given away or abandoned prior to receiving therapy services”. I often find myself thinking,  “oh gosh, I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know how to manage this demand. Am I doing this right? Am I doing this well enough?”. Doubt after doubt circulates through my mind. Recently, this is where I was - stuck. Stuck looking at the "to do" list, stuck in a routine, stuck going through the motions. But just the other day, I walked into the therapy room to grab a referral sheet to fill out for yet another new kid and as I walked through the threshold, I was smacked in my face. No, not by a hand of a child or a flying object, but by the joy that overflowed the space. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked around. I saw three patients receiving therapy while their parents were actively involved smiling and laughing. I saw staff members and a rehab tech student laughing, singing, and smiling while they were working with the kids. I saw patients and parents just hanging out in the clinic to chat with others. I saw pure joy. All doubts, all worries, all questions dissipated at that moment. I stopped and joined in on the fun. The laughter, dancing and smiles were just what I needed in that moment. The “to do” list no longer mattered. The many responsibilities disappeared. In that moment, all that mattered was being present. God quickly sent a gentle reminder of why HE put me on this journey. God works in ways that we will never know or see until eternal life. He puts us on journeys that we sometimes do not feel like we deserve or journeys that we feel we are not good enough to follow or journeys that we feel we are unsuccessful at or journeys that we simply are left to wonder “why me”. But He has a plan for it all…and as long as we hold onto HIM, all will be well. I will fully embrace the joy of this amazing journey....

That was written in late June/early July (yes...of 2017). I honestly forgot that I had written it until just recently. I do that a lot…write….but forget that I wrote and discover it later. Anyway…recently I feel that I was falling back into that cycle of going through the motions and losing sight of the important things. Losing my focus a bit. Putting too much on my plate. I absolutely THRIVE on being busy…and I LOVE it…at the same time, I also know when I put too much on myself. And I recently found myself there again…back to all those same questions, doubts, and the slight feelings of being overwhelmed. Feelings of not having enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished. Then I realize, once again, that my flesh is what is placing all the expectations on me...not God. I am a better “me” when He leads me and not my “to do” list.

I feel sometimes that my self-doubt thoughts increase as the demand for services becomes greater and greater.

When those daunting self-doubting questions arise, I sometimes think that God laughs at me and probably wants to really just shake me and say “stop”….”just stop with all that questioning yourself”. I suppose that is an overall lack of self-confidence that I tend to fight against. I continuously remind myself - through Him I have what I need so there is no need to have a lack of confidence. God has the therapy program/clinic covered in His protection. God has all the children (and adults) who need therapy services in His protection. He will provide, I just need to follow his lead. In His timing he will provide. I just need to be still and listen. I go back to the saying “If God puts you on the journey, then he will provide for your journey”. No doubt exists in HIM only in our flesh. So for today, I will set aside my “to do” list and I will soak up the pure joy that overflows in the therapy room. I will laugh with the kiddos and I will cry with the mothers if needed. I will open my ears and my heart to hear the stories the families want to share. I will rejoice with new victories and pray through new struggles. I will simply be present.