One year ago, my world was rocked. The following is primarily
what I wrote sometime last August and then some more recent thoughts are added
within it. It is lengthy, but I encourage you to read to the end.
July 29, 2015 began like any other Wednesday – early morning
coffee, a walk up the mountain, prepping for another day in clinic. What
started out as an ordinary day became a day that I will never forget - a moment
in my life that will forever be etched into my heart.
I was standing by the door to the therapy room when, I saw
someone approach. It was one of my therapy kiddos, S, and her mom. The mom
did not say anything, but just stood there and looked at me. There was a sense
of hopelessness in her eyes, but unfortunately, that was not abnormal to see in
the eyes of the parents. My initial thoughts were, “S does not have an
appointment today. Where have they been anyway? They will have to come back
tomorrow”. Instead of saying all those things out loud, I glanced at the
schedule and realized that I had an opening at that exact moment due to a
cancellation. I quickly invited them in and had the rehabilitation technician
begin her therapy session. Mom grabbed a chair and sat down as she normally
did. We began chatting and she explained why she had not been at previously
scheduled appointments – her brother had passed away 2 weeks prior due to a
moto accident. Mom’s brother was her only support. In Haiti, if you have a
child with special needs, it is extremely common for a parent’s family to
become distant and unsupportive or even leave if the parent chooses to keep
his/her child. So it is extremely hard losing a loved one who not only supports
you, but also your child with special needs.
Mom and I finished our conversation and I began working on a
few things as the rehab tech continued to work with S. As I worked on other
things, I noticed mom acting differently than she normally did during therapy
sessions. She typically would sit and watch S and most often would
participate in sessions. But this day, she just sat and watched me. She watched
other kids and staff members come in and out. She watched as I moved a shelf 10
times until I found the perfect spot. She watched as I answered a phone call
from another patient. She just simply watched. I assumed she was acting differently
due to the recent loss she had endured. Once the therapy session ended, instead
of getting up and leaving, mom just sat in the room holding her precious little
girl. She eventually fed S, but she just continued to sit and hold her.
This was a little out of character for mom, but it is a common occurrence for
parents to ‘hang out’ for a bit after therapy sessions so I did not really
think twice about it. While mom sat there, I stepped out of the room to look
for the next patient…..
While looking for the patient, my attention was directed
elsewhere and a couple minutes later, I saw S’s mom walk by…without S.
I quickly returned to the therapy room and asked the rehab tech where mom went.
She said, “Li te bezwen achte yon bagay pou li” (“she needed to buy something
for S). My heart immediately jumped out of my chest. In an instant, I knew,
deep down, what had happened – mom had just abandoned S. I just knew. I
tried to avoid that thought by searching for mom – I walked down the front side
of the mountain and the backside of the mountain. I headed to all the little
boutiques that were close by. No one had recently sold anything. Mom was
nowhere to be found…
I headed back to the clinic and just sat with S. She was
crying and not easily consoled – maybe she knew? I am unsure of what mom said
to her before she left, if she said anything at all. Regardless, I knew that
S was now labeled as an “abandoned child”. I sat with her, holding her
while praying for direction for the next step. What now? What was I supposed to
do? So many scenarios raced through my
head. I was overcome with so many emotions. The most prominent were fear and
failure. Fear about what was going to happen next. Fear of S ending up in
an orphanage where she would not be cared for or loved. It is too common that
children with special needs are neglected, ostracized, or abused in orphanages.
Failure - we strive to keep families together...questioning “what could I, we have
done differently?” “What could I, we have done better?” I initially felt like I had
failed this family. I knew her mom. I had a relationship with her. I knew, without
a doubt, that S’s mom dearly loved her and cared for her…
Many hours passed by and we went through the proper protocol
for an abandoned child. As those hours went by, I just prayed and prayed for
mom to return. But as early evening came and mom had not returned, off we went
to the staff house. S and I. One night turned into two and two into
three…which turned into a week…and then into 3 weeks. Throughout those weeks,
there was little sleep as S didn’t sleep much at night, but slept great during
the day ;). It was a blessing that she was a happy little one as we spent our
nights singing, talking, dancing, and listening to music. I was also thankful
that she enjoyed listening to rap and hip-hop - - the two of us were definitely
a match made in heaven. Sleeping 1-2 hours a night became custom and we had a
schedule and routine. The nights were fun with the singing and dancing, but
there were frequent shouts of “manman” (mom). Each cry out for mom was heart
breaking. How do you respond to a child shouting for her mom, when her mom was
not there? She knew her mom was not there, but I believe she had hope that at
some point her mom would respond…and honestly the first night that she did not
shout “manman” was the hardest. That night was when it became a true reality
that mom was not returning. It was as if even little S had given up hope.
That was hard. As hard as it was to listen to her cry out for her
mom, it was even harder not to hear….
Many more things can be said about my time with S, but
since this is not a book I will jump to the process that occurred to transition
her to where she is now. Trying to find a placement for S was…well…words
cannot really describe the emotions that I experienced during that time. God
spoke to me early on and I knew we had to find a placement for her. I love
S and we had a special bond; however, I knew I was not called to be her
long-term caregiver and I knew God had amazing plans for her. After two weeks
of coming up short and finding no place for her, we reached out to friends at
MyLifeSpeaks (check out this AMAZING organization at www.mylifespeaks.com) – we
knew that they were not taking in kids at that time, which we HIGHLY respected,
but at the same time it truly was our last hope. On a Thursday, a few of us
piled into the car and headed to MyLifeSpeaks. We walked around their community
and met a sweet little family…little did we know that a seed had already been
planted with this family. Long story short, they fell in love with S. Within
a few minutes, they agreed to take S and be her parents. They did not see
her blindness. They saw a precious child of God. I wish I could have frozen
that moment because it was probably one of the most beautiful moments I have
been apart of. With tears in our eyes, we sat down and made a plan for the
transition. I left that day beyond happy…but also a little sad as I knew my
time with S was coming to an end. Just two days later, on Saturday, I
gathered S’s things and headed out the door. Megan and I drove her to
MyLifeSpeaks to be united with her new family. As we drove away after
transitioning her, I found myself in an emotional battle – happiness and joy
because S was in a safe, loving home. But at the same time, I was sad. We had developed a pretty special bond. A
bond that I will forever cherish.
I knew…and still know….that it was the BEST for her. She is
with a loving mom and dad and now has 3 siblings. She is thriving – talking tons
and starting to walk some. AND she is just down the road so I get to see her
once in awhile, which makes my heart happy. God is good…REALLY good.
Throughout the time I had S, she was the main focus of
everyone. But there was not a day that went by that I did not think about her
precious mom. During the many months that I worked with S and her mom prior
to July 29th, many things were witnessed. I witnessed mom go from having
minimal hope for her daughter to having confidence in her daughter. I witnessed
mom go from being a little distant to being inseparable from her daughter. I
witnessed mom never showing a smile to a smile plastered on her face. S’s
mom and I shared many laughs and many tears throughout the time I worked with
her. I knew mom’s bond with S and I knew her love for her child. I knew
that after mom’s brother passed away that her and S were living with family
members who were not supportive. I knew a lot about their situation – things
others do not know and things that I have never shared. But one thing is true –
S’s mom deeply loved her and cared for her. It is not often that a day
passes without me thinking about mom. I wonder where she is and what she is doing.
I wonder if she is hurting…does she think about S? Surely she does. I
cannot even begin to imagine what she is feeling. I pray for her often. Giving
up a child she loved dearly – that is something that is difficult to understand.
But it is something that happens way too often here. So often that it is a
common reality. A reality that breaks my heart into a million pieces.
The brokenness here is evident. It is hard to accept the
fact that abandoning a child is commonplace. But S’s story is so much
more…through her so many witnessed God’s glory shine through. Redemption.
Mercy. Grace. He has big plans for little S and I am so blessed that he
wrote me into a tiny part of her story.
Loved bath time!
Baby yoga - it is how we spent most of our nights!
Her laugh is the sweetest!
