Superwoman? Wonder Woman? No…just plain old me

Over the past few months (or rather years), I have been on a rollercoaster adventure. I would like to say that God has been the leader throughout this entire adventure, but I am afraid that is probably not fully the truth. I have gone from one rollercoaster to the next with no stopping for rest in between. Rollercoasters that brought excitement and joy. Rollercoasters that brought fear and sadness. Rollercoasters that brought deep hurt and pain. Rollercoasters that brought happiness and fulfillment. It is as if I have jumped off one rollercoaster right onto the next without stepping foot on solid ground for even just a brief moment of time. Recently, within the past few weeks, the Lord graciously slapped me in the face with the reality that I cannot keep jumping from rollercoaster to rollercoaster without crashing and burning. Isn’t it great when He takes over and does this to your soul?! I would love to pretend like I am fully capable of continuing down this bumpy path without any issue, but at the end of the day, God is right and I am far from knowing what is best for my body, mind, and soul. I am not the one to just hand it back to him easily and smoothly…so of course the Holy Spirit had a hard job of prying open my heart and mind to not only hearing, but believing what God was communicating.

Most of you are probably familiar with the following scripture:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me, and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30

I love the translation of this scripture in “The Message” as it lays it out in practical terms. Terms that my brain can absorb and understand without an exhausting amount of effort. And oh how I need to read this passage and pray over it right now. The current state of my mind is nothing short of dismal and the above passage is a reminder of this. My current state is tired, lonely, worn out, and close to burned out in every aspect of life. All of this is hard to admit. I am not good at hiding it nor do I deny this reality. However, I prefer to think of myself as Wonder Woman or Superwoman…or some woman with an immense amount of super powers – having the capability of flying or being invisible would be a major plus…not to mention that having a kickass cape would be amazing. I am not talking a cape made out of a towel with a duct tape “K” on it signifying “Captain K” like I had in college for my amazing super power of downing an insane amount of Captain Morgan in one given night…I am talking a real super hero cape that provides an unrealistic amount of power and sustainability. Unfortunately, I feel even when Wonder Woman or Superwoman doffs her cape, there are visible scars and bruises indicating the amount of pain that she endured throughout the day in order to provide for and protect all those around her that she cares for and loves so deeply. Even superheroes can hide behind their cape and put on an energetic, joyful facade when really behind the cape is weariness, fatigue, frustration, and anger. It is easy to pretend like we are made of rubber or elastic with an unbreakable flexibility. It is easy to pretend like hardships and struggles just bounce off of us with no effect. It is easy to hide behind a cape and believe that we can do this life, here on earth, alone. But it’s all just a facade…it’s all what satan wants us to believe so he can wiggle his way in to kill, steal, and destroy anything and everything we have or are doing. Superheroes such as Superwoman and Wonder Woman are obviously not real characters in the game of life. Unfortunately, many of us, myself included, believe we are just that, invincible beings who are unbreakable. It is so false. I am, all humans are, breakable. We are capable of exhaustion. We are capable of losing focus. We are capable of falling apart. Any human who thinks or believes otherwise is setting himself or herself up for a world of hurt. At the end of every day, I am just plain old me…no invincibility, no ability to fly, no super powers, just plain old me. Obviously, intellectually I have always known all of this; however it is a heart issue and without even realizing, I have fallen away from the knowledge that is embedded in my brain and dug myself into a pit of exhaustion.  

The only way we will find true rest is through Jesus himself. Currently, I am carrying around heavy bags, literally and figuratively. My body hurts as I carry around bags of 20-30+ pounds and occasionally bedside commodes, wheelchairs, and mini trampolines, up and down the mountain multiple times a week…and yes for those wondering, I do this always while wearing my black flip-flops, sometimes the ones with holes in them. And figuratively, my soul hurts as I carry around the heavy load of daily traumas as I pile more stories of pain and hurt and abuse into my already overloaded backpack. But as we read in Matthew, it says “I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you”, so maybe, just maybe, these heavy loads I am carrying around daily are not of him, but of my flesh. Ouch. That is a hard reality to face. Is it pride? Is it resilience? Is it brokenness? Is it stubbornness? Is it caring too much? I am not sure. But whatever it is, it definitely is not from Christ. Soul check!

I jump back to the sentence “Learn the unforced rhythms of grace”. I think I skipped over this part initially…mostly because I did not know how to interpret that statement, or maybe it is rather due to the fact that I did not want my heart to go there. God promises us “unforced rhythms of Grace” just as He promises us rest. The “unforced rhythms of grace” are oftentimes subtle and small and easily drowned out by my addiction to busyness and work tasks. Add this to the soul check list as I sit here and think about all the times I have probably missed that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me and leading me because I was deafened by the noise of my daily life, not taking the time to slow down and be still. I keep running on this never ending treadmill going nowhere fast, truly not knowing how or being capable of slowing my pace. It is as if I have been building up this false momentum thinking I was preparing my body, mind, and soul for longevity and sustainability when in reality I am more likely leading myself to a state of burnout. I believe learning these “unforced rhythms of grace” requires one to find a balance between, or rather filling a gap between an unhealthy reality and God’s reality. The unhealthy reality brings about tension and stress where as God’s reality brings renewal and restoration. Grace is a perfect rhythm wonderfully produced by God.

And oh how my soul finds relief when I read “keep company with me, and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly”. “Keep company with me…” My heart smiles as relief calms my soul. God wants to be our company. He desires to be our company. God does not want us nor call us to do life on earth alone. He not only wants us to be company with Him, but he wants us to keep company with him – no matter what trials or stress or hardships life throws at us, we are to always keep in the presence of the Lord. The statement of “you’ll learn to live freely and lightly” indicates that possibly not all of us were made to automatically understand this – “You WILL learn”…we have to learn this as we are not born with the innate capability of just doing this, but at the same time, we have to want to learn this. I have been pretty much a low maintenance, minimalist person my entire life in regards to materialistic items; however I know this is not the point of this statement – living free and lightly obviously does not mean in regards to materialistic items, but rather, it is pointed towards ones spirit. Any clutter within my soul far outweighs materialistic clutter. What is my spirit demanding of Christ? What is my spirit expecting? What bondage is my soul holding onto? That deep heaviness in my soul is not of the Lord. Another soul check!

God gives us the guide to live a life that does not result in weariness or exhaustion. He gives us the template of living a life of grace and love without unnecessary hardships; however, we tend to let our flesh get in the way. Or at least I let my own flesh get in the way of what He has called me to do. Busyness and frustration and anxiety are resultant factors of me living my life outside of the focus of Christ. I have seemed to don my superhero vision goggles and badass cape that make me invincible to all things thrown my way…but unfortunately those goggles and that cape are not real and only a deception of the enemy. What I am hopeful, and like to think, is bouncing off of me, is actually being absorbed into every part of my being.

As I sit and type these words and admit these truths within my soul, I feel a little tension and stress leave my body as I realize the heavy load I am carrying is not of Him…but of me. The expectations I carry around on my shoulders are not of Him, but rather expectations that I have placed ever so carefully on myself…each one perfectly positioned to allow for more and more to pile up. It’s like a game of Jenga and it is just a matter of time before all the pieces come crumbling down...

As 2018 is coming to a close, my heart and mind are beginning to focus on 2019. Focused on a new year, a new chapter in the book of life. I tend to live day to day without much thought about the immediate future as I feel like most of us living here in Haiti do because well, we just never know what tomorrow will bring and we definitely cannot even begin to make any guesses. My focus for 2019 is longevity and sustainability for myself – spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. My focus is to slow down, process and heal. My focus is to be still and hear that small voice whispering truths and love and grace into my heart. My focus will be to reset my soul. My focus is to continue to stand on the frontline in the battle God placed me in with a renewed strength.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God…

A Special Celebration

One of the many things that I have learned throughout the past few years in Haiti has been the amount of international policy and advocacy campaigns so many of us in the United States are unaware of. Or maybe, it is rather I was unaware and living under a rock. Either way, I have learned so much and have been able to become involved in my profession on a much deeper level than I ever did and probably would ever while working in the states. I think we kind of just get these blinders on that keep us focused on only what is directly in front us and shields us from the bigger picture.

Monday (December 3^rd) was “International Day of Persons with Disabilities”. I will be starting with a little background on the what this day means prior to getting to the fun stuff, just bear with me, I promise it will be quick…

First off, prior to coming to Haiti, I had zero knowledge this day even existed. I had no clue that in 1992 the United Nations General Assembly declared December 3^rd as the annual observance of the “International Day of Persons with Disabilities”, which I will refer to as IDPD throughout this blog post. I’ll be honest in saying I knew nothing about the UN in general let alone all the entities that the UN encompasses. International Day of Persons with Disabilities aims to “promote the rights and well-being of persons with disabilities in all spheres of society and development, and to increase awareness of the situation of persons with disabilities in every aspect of political, social, economic and cultural life”. Whew. A lot of powerful statements in one sentence and brings joy to my heart.

Each year a theme is established and the theme for 2018 is “Empowering persons with disabilities and ensuring inclusiveness and equality”.  I feel like this theme can be implied to my entire time in Haiti so far. It is my daily life – advocating for and empowering those impacted by special needs and disabilities. The focus and goal of the therapy clinic, special needs classrooms, and other special needs programs at Respire are exactly stated in the theme of IDPD this year. 

So how did Respire celebrate this important day?! Hosting a party of course! A couple of months ago the 4 therapy staff members requested to meet with me. They appeared very serious initially and of course I immediately though “Oh gosh, are they all quitting?” Ha! The way my brain works is comical sometimes. No, they were not quitting nor did they have any issues to discuss. Rather, they wanted to plan an event for December 3^rd to celebrate IDPD. My answer was of course an immediate “yes”. The 4 staff collaborated with the teachers in the special needs classrooms and the mental health staff and planned an amazing event.

As the weeks leading up to December 3^rd were full of protests and blocked roads, it was a question as to how December 3^rd would play out. Nothing was planned for the day so I was sure the event would be amazing. It was planned for a 10am start time. Around 9:30, I was a tad worried that the event would be a flop due to traffic issues in a few areas…including areas that the therapy staff travels from. Luckily, by 9:45 all staff were accounted for and a few more attendees had arrived. Of course, the event began 30 minutes late; however I consider that good, as it is common here to start things an hour or more late. 

The event consisted of deep prayer, praising the Lord, recognition of a few families, and a whole lot of fun provided by the students in the special needs classrooms. Each student had a role in the program. Bible verses, poems, and prayers were recited. A group of 5 students danced their way into the hearts of every person in the crowd. Witnessing the crowd stand and cheer for these amazing students was purely heart warming. To see them celebrated for them, simply, being themselves was awesome.

As I watched each piece of this event unfold, tears filled my eyes while joy flooded my heart. The deep worship and deep gratitude for our Lord was evident in the crowd. Eyes closed, voices loud, hands in the air. This crowd was full of just a tiny portion of the individuals who have walked through the threshold of the therapy room over the past few years. Each individual sitting in that room has been given hope and unconditional love because God placed an accessible therapy program into their life. I sat and wondered, “Wow. How is this part of my life? How are these amazing people part of my story?” Disbelief overtook every inch of me. Tears filled my eyes once again as I sat and just simply said “thank you God for this journey”.

God has definitely blessed me with an amazing responsibility to fight for all those sitting in that crowd, those in the past, and those yet to come. I often find myself talking with God and asking him, “am I really the right one for this job” or “am I doing this good enough”? God, how am I, this broken and beaten soul, written into the story of all these individuals that were once strangers, but now are my friends who feel more like family. While I was watching the celebration, I felt complete peace within my soul as God gently whispered to me, “you are already enough…as long as you keep your focus on me, I will do the rest”. Truth. I love when God takes me out of my flesh, grounds me and brings me right back to Him.

It was then I looked at everyone sitting there cheering, laughing, and clapping that I fully realized the impact the therapy program has had. Those who were smiling and cheerful were once solemn and unhappy. Those who were laughing were once only crying. Those who were holding or dancing with their child were once sitting on the other side of the room away from their child. The kids who were sitting and standing were once lying on their back all day long. The kids running from their parents were once only able to sit next to their parents. Those who were raising both arms high in the air praising the good Lord were once only able to raise one arm. Those who walked into the room smiling and waving, were once fearful to walk in front of a crowd because of a limp they developed after a stroke. Those who were showing off their kids in front of over a 100 people were once hiding their child under a blanket as they carried them so the world did not see.

So many stories came in like flood waters rushing through a broken dam. Stories of God’s mercy and grace. Stories of overcoming hopelessness and fear. Stories of redemption. Stories of triumph. Stories of struggle. Stories of sadness and deep pain. Stories of death. Stories of survival. So many stories.

We sat in celebration of people who are told by their culture and community that they are no good. A culture that says they are not worthy of celebration. A culture that says they are non-human. But God. God is changing the culture. God is changing their communities. He never wastes a hurt. He never wastes a pain. He never wastes a story of abuse. He never wastes a story of abandonment. He never wastes a story. He uses all for His good and while sitting in that room…we witnessed His good works.

Patients and students are already asking when the next party is going to be. It was definitely a good day of celebrating many amazing people who all hold a very special place in my heart!