Recently, I was walking up the mountain and began reflecting
on the past few years. I tend to do that while I am walking – dive into my
thoughts and process life here in a foreign country that is not all that
foreign anymore. Then it hit me like a freight train…all the “anniversaries”
that have seemed to quickly approach. I am not sure “anniversary” is an
accurate word; however my brain is tired and I cannot come up with a more
efficient word. A small overview…
TEN years ago on July 31st, I completed my
Masters degree. Whoa. I was not prepared for that realization. Ten years ago we
presented our Masters research projects representing the completion of our
college education and the start to life in the “real world”.
August 2nd
brought about the four-year mark of my move to Haiti or what we tend to
refer to as our “Haitiversary”. I struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that
four years ago I packed up my belongings and set out on a 5-month adventure….
August 4th marked ten years, yes 10 years again,
since I started my career as an occupational therapist. Ten years. I know that
in hindsight, this is not a long time...and it has not felt like ten years, as
I cannot believe how fast the past ten years have flown by, but ten years just sounds
like a long time.
So this annual “Haitiversary” post will encompass more than
just the past four years. A fair warning – I have done a lot of walking lately
– so this may be long and it may be scattered, but it will transparent and
honest (well…as transparent as I get in sharing my inner thoughts).
When I set out on the journey of completing OT school, I was
full of self-doubt. Not only did I set out to achieve a master’s degree, but I
set out to complete that in only 4 years. I was not a bad student in high
school; however I was not an over achiever or super motivated as a student. I
received good grades, but I did not over exert myself by any stretch of the
mind. Once I hit college, I stepped away from sports and focused solely on
academics…but I did not know what I was getting myself into with undertaking a 4-year
master’s degree program. Throughout the four years, there were many times that
I really thought I would not succeed; however I am not sure why I felt that
way. I think possibly, I stressed myself out by enjoying my college years a
little too much all while undertaking a heavy class load. But somehow, I
managed to pull off good grades and even completed the program with honors. I
surprised myself to be honest. I am sure this did not surprise some; however I
know it was a bit of a shock to many. I honestly surprised myself as I
maintained a self-defeating, self-doubt mindset almost throughout the entire
four years. But none the less, I quickly found myself onto the next stage of
life – the “real world”.
Four days after graduation, I joined the team at Kenny
Rogers Children’s Center in Sikeston, Missouri. If you have not heard about
this facility yet, please take the time to check it out at www.kennyrogerscenter.org. The
center is a non-for-profit therapy facility providing OT, PT, and speech
therapy services to children birth-21 years old of varying diagnoses. I was
lucky enough to complete a 3-month clinical rotation at Kenny Rogers as part of
my schooling. I was even more blessed that the staff saw something in me that I
did not see in myself and offered me a job for after graduation, which was
another 4-5 months away. Oftentimes, pediatric settings require experience in
order to be hired as a therapist, which means new graduates are not typically
hired. However, the center is fond of hiring new graduates and provides ample continuing
education opportunities as well as a mentorship program. So for me, the
philosophy of the center along with the continuing education opportunities
resulted in my dream job. This job also came along with lifelong friendships with
parents/families and co-workers. I typically always visit when I am in the area
because it is still very much part of my life. I will also be forever thankful
of the amazing educational opportunities while working at Kenny Rogers…it
expanded my scope of practice in ways I never could have imagined.
In addition, and most importantly, when I first set out into
the real world, I was not a follower of Christ. I was actually pretty lost in
life. On the outside, I had things together for the most part. But internally,
I struggled a significant amount with knowing my self-worth. To the point, I
pretty much had zero self-worth. I had already criticized myself in every way that
if someone gave me a positive comment, I did not believe it. Moving to Cape
Girardeau to work at Kenny Rogers was completely life changing, not only
professionally, but also personally. Yes, it was a huge building block of my
career, but ultimately, God took me there to find Him. He graciously surrounded
me by people who spoke truth to me in a way that I did not feel less than or
messed up. He surrounded me with people of deep faith who struggled with some
of the same things I struggled with. People who walked beside me every step of
the way with no judgment even when I messed up. I wholeheartedly know that if I
had not taken the leap to move further away from family and friends to Cape
Girardeau, then I would not have found Christ when I did…and I know my life
would be drastically different then it is now….
I did not realize that OT was a true passion of mine for a
really long time. I loved my career and I loved being an OT; however there was
always a little part of me that seemed to be longing for more. Little did I
know what that truly meant until God brought me to Haiti. Before coming to
Haiti, I may have said OT was my passion, but once moving to Haiti, I can
wholeheartedly say and believe that OT is a God given passion. My first trip to
Haiti brought everything together. While participating in so much continuing
education at Kenny Rogers, I occasionally thought “Do I really need this
course?”. However, the first time I practiced therapy in Haiti, I quickly realized
why God had placed all those opportunities in my path. The education was to be
used in Haiti.
Which brings this to Haiti…a 5-month journey that has now
turned into a 4+ year journey. If you have been a part of the journey since the
beginning, then you would know that I began my Haiti journey in Kwadebouke
(Croix-des-Bouquets) prior to moving to Gressier. I lived and worked at an
already established, well run rehabilitation clinic. Although, I was there
serving as the clinical coordinator for an OT student from the states who was
completing a 3 month clinical rotation, I struggled to really have peace about
why God had called me to this clinic. I thoroughly enjoyed the five months and
learned so much about the culture in Haiti and rehabilitation in Haiti. I also
learned a lot about my faith and myself. As my five months was coming to an end
in Kwadebouke, I was asked to help with one patient at Respire Haiti. I agreed
to serving at Respire to help this one patient and to work with a handful of
other students who would benefit from therapy services.
When I first arrived in Gressier, I quickly realized that I
was jumping into an environment that was already established within the
staff…hmm…how do I explain that? Everyone had already appeared to be very close
as many had been at Respire for a good amount of time…so I was jumping into a
social situation where I definitely was a little bit on the outside. Well,
probably not a little bit - definitely on the outside. I do not tend to be
hesitant of change and typically jump into change without second thought, so
that is what I did and began evaluating students 1-2 days after arriving on
ground. I began working with Caila daily and a handful of other students each
week.
After just three weeks, I was back on a plane with Caila
heading to the states for what was supposed to be 4 weeks. Our trip ended up
being 8 full weeks. Read previous blogs for those stories (they are beautiful
stories).
Once Caila and I returned to Haiti, I had the expectation to
continue working with Caila and the handful of students I was seeing prior to
leaving. My time at Respire Haiti was to be just for a short period and to
specifically work with Caila. Little did I know what God had planned…
Very quickly, kids started coming to the clinic gate on an
almost daily basis. One by one I added kids to my schedule. Once I got up to
around 30 or so kids, I felt a nudge and my heart said “keep adding”, but my
mind said “no way, stop, you are only here for a short time”. Then one day,
around ten referrals showed up at the gate. Not all at once, but throughout the
day. In all honesty, fear set in. I fell into prayer and I pleaded with God
that I was not the person to start a program or an actual therapy clinic. I
would tell him “I am not the one, don’t choose me”. God continue to break down
my heart with each and every patient that came knocking. One day, I gave up the
fight and fell to my knees and said, “ok God. I will do this. For you, I will
do this”. Even then, I did not realize what God was orchestrating. He had set
this up perfectly as he normally does. For once, I did not resist to the point
that I turned my back as I have done so many times previously in my life.
Leading me to only a path of regret and shame. This time, I not only did not
turn my back, but I jumped in with two feet and laid everything at His feet. I
have been in awe ever since.
God took one child and one therapist and turned that story
into a thriving therapy clinic with 5 therapists and hundreds of patients –
children and adults. As I reflect on the journey thus far, words cannot
describe my emotions or thoughts. It has been far from easy and I have
experienced unimaginable heartache and pain. But God. Through the hardships and
the pain, God has provided so much joy. When I walk into the therapy clinic, my
heart is overwhelmed. Each and every day, I am blessed to be walking through
life with so many amazing people. The therapy staff are four of the most
amazing people I have ever met. They truly care for each patient and family member
that walks through the door. They do not view their work as just a job, but
they show a true passion to make a difference in Haiti. Each staff member is
beyond willing to educate and empower the population we serve and spread that
throughout the community. I prayed for staff for many months and God brought
each staff member in His perfect timing. When I was fearful, God was faithful.
The patients and families are just as much as a blessing to
me as the staff. I have watched hopeless faces turn into bright smiles and
happiness. I have witness so many families go from wanting to give their child
away to having an unbreakable bond. I have watched patient’s work harder than I
ever could and gain progress that we never thought was possible. I have had children
initially turn away from me in fear to running towards me and jumping in my
arms in excitement. I have sat and cried in silence with parents/caregivers. I
have sat and listened to the most heart wrenching stories I have ever heard,
which typically leave me in disbelief. I have cried tears of joy when a child
or an adult achieves a milestone we never thought possible. I have endured
tragedy and triumph on an almost daily basis.
I have made lifelong friends and have lost a few friends. But each
moment – the good, the bad, the ugly – will forever be etched into my heart. I
am forever thankful for each one as learning and growth was a product. I have
learned so much about my faith and myself and have grown in ways I never
thought possible.
Over the past four years, I have experienced so many things
that have only left me to say “why God”. Through it all, God has held me in his
hands ever so gently and has always whispered to my soul “keep going, you will
see”. Every time I have wanted to throw in the towel and give up, God is there
saying “keep going”. So I keep going. I will lay it all at His feet and I will keep
going through the heartache and the joy and soak up every minute that God gives
me while on this journey.
