Friday, September 21, 2018

Haitiversary and more...


Recently, I was walking up the mountain and began reflecting on the past few years. I tend to do that while I am walking – dive into my thoughts and process life here in a foreign country that is not all that foreign anymore. Then it hit me like a freight train…all the “anniversaries” that have seemed to quickly approach. I am not sure “anniversary” is an accurate word; however my brain is tired and I cannot come up with a more efficient word.  A small overview…

TEN years ago on July 31st, I completed my Masters degree. Whoa. I was not prepared for that realization. Ten years ago we presented our Masters research projects representing the completion of our college education and the start to life in the “real world”.

August 2nd brought about the four-year mark of my move to Haiti or what we tend to refer to as our “Haitiversary”. I struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that four years ago I packed up my belongings and set out on a 5-month adventure….

August 4th marked ten years, yes 10 years again, since I started my career as an occupational therapist. Ten years. I know that in hindsight, this is not a long time...and it has not felt like ten years, as I cannot believe how fast the past ten years have flown by, but ten years just sounds like a long time.

So this annual “Haitiversary” post will encompass more than just the past four years. A fair warning – I have done a lot of walking lately – so this may be long and it may be scattered, but it will transparent and honest (well…as transparent as I get in sharing my inner thoughts).

When I set out on the journey of completing OT school, I was full of self-doubt. Not only did I set out to achieve a master’s degree, but I set out to complete that in only 4 years. I was not a bad student in high school; however I was not an over achiever or super motivated as a student. I received good grades, but I did not over exert myself by any stretch of the mind. Once I hit college, I stepped away from sports and focused solely on academics…but I did not know what I was getting myself into with undertaking a 4-year master’s degree program. Throughout the four years, there were many times that I really thought I would not succeed; however I am not sure why I felt that way. I think possibly, I stressed myself out by enjoying my college years a little too much all while undertaking a heavy class load. But somehow, I managed to pull off good grades and even completed the program with honors. I surprised myself to be honest. I am sure this did not surprise some; however I know it was a bit of a shock to many. I honestly surprised myself as I maintained a self-defeating, self-doubt mindset almost throughout the entire four years. But none the less, I quickly found myself onto the next stage of life – the “real world”.

Four days after graduation, I joined the team at Kenny Rogers Children’s Center in Sikeston, Missouri. If you have not heard about this facility yet, please take the time to check it out at www.kennyrogerscenter.org. The center is a non-for-profit therapy facility providing OT, PT, and speech therapy services to children birth-21 years old of varying diagnoses. I was lucky enough to complete a 3-month clinical rotation at Kenny Rogers as part of my schooling. I was even more blessed that the staff saw something in me that I did not see in myself and offered me a job for after graduation, which was another 4-5 months away. Oftentimes, pediatric settings require experience in order to be hired as a therapist, which means new graduates are not typically hired. However, the center is fond of hiring new graduates and provides ample continuing education opportunities as well as a mentorship program. So for me, the philosophy of the center along with the continuing education opportunities resulted in my dream job. This job also came along with lifelong friendships with parents/families and co-workers. I typically always visit when I am in the area because it is still very much part of my life. I will also be forever thankful of the amazing educational opportunities while working at Kenny Rogers…it expanded my scope of practice in ways I never could have imagined.  

In addition, and most importantly, when I first set out into the real world, I was not a follower of Christ. I was actually pretty lost in life. On the outside, I had things together for the most part. But internally, I struggled a significant amount with knowing my self-worth. To the point, I pretty much had zero self-worth. I had already criticized myself in every way that if someone gave me a positive comment, I did not believe it. Moving to Cape Girardeau to work at Kenny Rogers was completely life changing, not only professionally, but also personally. Yes, it was a huge building block of my career, but ultimately, God took me there to find Him. He graciously surrounded me by people who spoke truth to me in a way that I did not feel less than or messed up. He surrounded me with people of deep faith who struggled with some of the same things I struggled with. People who walked beside me every step of the way with no judgment even when I messed up. I wholeheartedly know that if I had not taken the leap to move further away from family and friends to Cape Girardeau, then I would not have found Christ when I did…and I know my life would be drastically different then it is now….


I did not realize that OT was a true passion of mine for a really long time. I loved my career and I loved being an OT; however there was always a little part of me that seemed to be longing for more. Little did I know what that truly meant until God brought me to Haiti. Before coming to Haiti, I may have said OT was my passion, but once moving to Haiti, I can wholeheartedly say and believe that OT is a God given passion. My first trip to Haiti brought everything together. While participating in so much continuing education at Kenny Rogers, I occasionally thought “Do I really need this course?”. However, the first time I practiced therapy in Haiti, I quickly realized why God had placed all those opportunities in my path. The education was to be used in Haiti.

Which brings this to Haiti…a 5-month journey that has now turned into a 4+ year journey. If you have been a part of the journey since the beginning, then you would know that I began my Haiti journey in Kwadebouke (Croix-des-Bouquets) prior to moving to Gressier. I lived and worked at an already established, well run rehabilitation clinic. Although, I was there serving as the clinical coordinator for an OT student from the states who was completing a 3 month clinical rotation, I struggled to really have peace about why God had called me to this clinic. I thoroughly enjoyed the five months and learned so much about the culture in Haiti and rehabilitation in Haiti. I also learned a lot about my faith and myself. As my five months was coming to an end in Kwadebouke, I was asked to help with one patient at Respire Haiti. I agreed to serving at Respire to help this one patient and to work with a handful of other students who would benefit from therapy services.

When I first arrived in Gressier, I quickly realized that I was jumping into an environment that was already established within the staff…hmm…how do I explain that? Everyone had already appeared to be very close as many had been at Respire for a good amount of time…so I was jumping into a social situation where I definitely was a little bit on the outside. Well, probably not a little bit - definitely on the outside. I do not tend to be hesitant of change and typically jump into change without second thought, so that is what I did and began evaluating students 1-2 days after arriving on ground. I began working with Caila daily and a handful of other students each week.

After just three weeks, I was back on a plane with Caila heading to the states for what was supposed to be 4 weeks. Our trip ended up being 8 full weeks. Read previous blogs for those stories (they are beautiful stories).

Once Caila and I returned to Haiti, I had the expectation to continue working with Caila and the handful of students I was seeing prior to leaving. My time at Respire Haiti was to be just for a short period and to specifically work with Caila. Little did I know what God had planned…

Very quickly, kids started coming to the clinic gate on an almost daily basis. One by one I added kids to my schedule. Once I got up to around 30 or so kids, I felt a nudge and my heart said “keep adding”, but my mind said “no way, stop, you are only here for a short time”. Then one day, around ten referrals showed up at the gate. Not all at once, but throughout the day. In all honesty, fear set in. I fell into prayer and I pleaded with God that I was not the person to start a program or an actual therapy clinic. I would tell him “I am not the one, don’t choose me”. God continue to break down my heart with each and every patient that came knocking. One day, I gave up the fight and fell to my knees and said, “ok God. I will do this. For you, I will do this”. Even then, I did not realize what God was orchestrating. He had set this up perfectly as he normally does. For once, I did not resist to the point that I turned my back as I have done so many times previously in my life. Leading me to only a path of regret and shame. This time, I not only did not turn my back, but I jumped in with two feet and laid everything at His feet. I have been in awe ever since.

God took one child and one therapist and turned that story into a thriving therapy clinic with 5 therapists and hundreds of patients – children and adults. As I reflect on the journey thus far, words cannot describe my emotions or thoughts. It has been far from easy and I have experienced unimaginable heartache and pain. But God. Through the hardships and the pain, God has provided so much joy. When I walk into the therapy clinic, my heart is overwhelmed. Each and every day, I am blessed to be walking through life with so many amazing people. The therapy staff are four of the most amazing people I have ever met. They truly care for each patient and family member that walks through the door. They do not view their work as just a job, but they show a true passion to make a difference in Haiti. Each staff member is beyond willing to educate and empower the population we serve and spread that throughout the community. I prayed for staff for many months and God brought each staff member in His perfect timing. When I was fearful, God was faithful.

The patients and families are just as much as a blessing to me as the staff. I have watched hopeless faces turn into bright smiles and happiness. I have witness so many families go from wanting to give their child away to having an unbreakable bond. I have watched patient’s work harder than I ever could and gain progress that we never thought was possible. I have had children initially turn away from me in fear to running towards me and jumping in my arms in excitement. I have sat and cried in silence with parents/caregivers. I have sat and listened to the most heart wrenching stories I have ever heard, which typically leave me in disbelief. I have cried tears of joy when a child or an adult achieves a milestone we never thought possible. I have endured tragedy and triumph on an almost daily basis.  I have made lifelong friends and have lost a few friends. But each moment – the good, the bad, the ugly – will forever be etched into my heart. I am forever thankful for each one as learning and growth was a product. I have learned so much about my faith and myself and have grown in ways I never thought possible.

Over the past four years, I have experienced so many things that have only left me to say “why God”. Through it all, God has held me in his hands ever so gently and has always whispered to my soul “keep going, you will see”. Every time I have wanted to throw in the towel and give up, God is there saying “keep going”. So I keep going. I will lay it all at His feet and I will keep going through the heartache and the joy and soak up every minute that God gives me while on this journey.

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