When earthly efforts are not enough....

Originally written September 21, 2017

Sometimes earthly efforts are not enough….

Yesterday was a tough day in so many ways. It was a day that started with difficulties...with feelings of not doing things “the right way” or “good enough” (this is for another post). It was a day that quickly led into a medical emergency. A precious mama came into clinic with her 2-year-old daughter. I watched from afar as the security guard requested she sit on a bench and then began looking for Megan. After a couple minutes, I saw what looked like a black eye on the daughter. I walked over to kind of just see what was going on…I realized quickly this was a case for medical care. I quickly recruited Dr. Alicia as Junie was busy with pre-natal clinic. I told Alicia that I would be around if she needed anything and she said she was not sure what this was and asked me to go into the exam room with her and the patient…so I stayed for moral support per her request. The little girl had intense blisters and sores on her eye, tongue, back, abdomen, and one forming on her thigh and a few places on her face. Her breathing was labored and she had diarrhea. We quickly realized she needed to be referred to a hospital. We got it arranged to send her to our #1 referring hospital. Upon arrival, she got turned away for “being too severe” from what we were told. They referred her to another hospital. She was taken there. That hospital did not have any available beds. So off they went to another hospital…and yes, turned away there as well because once again, no open beds. We were frantically searching for a place to send her - - the hospital we wanted to send her to next was very far away and a logistical nightmare to get her there safely. Through a few suggestions and 6 hours later, we got her admitted at a hospital in Port-au-Prince. She was immediately placed on oxygen and began the road to recovery…

...or so we thought….

Today…today….we received the news that she passed away this afternoon. Initially we could not get the answers that we needed…actually the answers that we wanted. We were all trying to process the events of yesterday as we questioned if we handled matters appropriately. If we went through the proper steps to get this little girl the help that she needed. Of course, intellectually we knew that we did what we could with the resources we had at the time, BUT sometimes our flesh, our hearts take over and we question our actions. As the day went on, we finally got information that we desperately needed (or again, wanted). The events that led to her death are as follows - she was at the hospital, on oxygen, receiving the care she needed. The nurse (or nurses) stepped out of the room to retrieve a NG tube to insert in order to safely provide her food and medication. While the nurses were gone, the mother got up and tried to give her daughter some milk. When she did, her daughter aspirated causing asphyxiation. This little girl did not have any special needs and was typically able to eat and drink without difficulty; however the illness she had contracted caused difficulty with breathing and swallowing. 

So there we sat…processing that information…

Her precious mama truly did not know that she could not give her daughter milk. She saw that her daughter was upset and hungry and she wanted to feed her daughter. We are left to ask how long the nurses left the room for - was it really just a couple of minutes? Or longer? We are left to wonder if the mom had been educated on her daughter’s difficulty with swallowing and advised not to feed her. We are left to wonder and assume a lot of things. But we cannot get stuck in the viscous cycle of “what if’s” and “what could have beens”. Being in that cycle solves and helps nothing. 

It’s easy here to jump to “if we were in the states, then…..”. But we cannot let ourselves go there. We can process that and we can be thankful by the fact that we were fortunate (blessed) to have been born in the United States where there is accessibility to so much more healthcare, better healthcare than Haiti. But we cannot get stuck there. Haiti is not the states and we cannot compare the two (especially in regards to health care).  

The bottom line, fact of the matter is, Jesus is everywhere. He is in the US….and He is in Haiti. Situational matters do not change that fact. God was here yesterday and today and he will be tomorrow and all the days to follow. God loves us all just the same. And He has a plan for each and every one of us. Many things occur that we will never understand in this lifetime - such as a precious little child passing away - but we have to maintain our faith and find peace and hope in His promises and His promises alone. 

And tonight, that is where I am resting, in His Word. In His promises. 

***i do not mean to disclose the sensitive details of this precious little one’s death; however awareness must be raised as this is the reality of the health care system in Haiti. Poor to no education for the parents. Poor accessibility to needed healthcare due to fear of cases or lack of beds. It is a reality here on a daily basis….but it is a sad, hard reality. Education and awareness is key. The hard stuff has to be exposed and opened for discussion.

Haitiversary

I am a little behind, but August 2^nd marked my 3-year Haitiversary…I wrote the following a many weeks ago…

Never did I imagine that moving to Haiti was a decision that I would be faced with in my life. Never did I think out of all the people in this world, God would call me to this journey. The broken, lost, scared, me. So how did God lead me on this journey?? How did I initially get to Haiti? Many people have asked me recently, so here it is….

My world was rocked after my first trip to Haiti in May 2013. I was blindsided by a lot, but specifically the special needs population. I traveled to and stayed at Respire Haiti for the week, but visited another organization for a day. It was there that I was broken as I saw a few children with special needs in questionable situations. God opened my eyes that trip and had me on my knees in prayer asking what the next steps were. It would have been easy to just go back to my normal life and jump back into my routine. But something was different – I knew that I could not simply get back into the groove of the 9 to 5 job, but I was under a year contract until May 2014, and I loved my job. At the time, there really was not much I could do, as I could not step out of my contract. Or maybe it was more I was not bold enough to step out of my contract.  Heck I was not even bold enough to contact anyone at Respire as a felt there was not a need for me, a therapist, there. I tried to jump back into the daily grind; however I just could never get Haiti off my mind. I even had frequent dreams of trying to get back to Haiti – in the dreams I had to climb a cliff to a mountain top, but each time something happened that prevented me from reaching the top. Massive amounts of tarantulas, a tornado, shootings, etc. all prevented me from reaching the top of the cliff, which was Haiti, specifically Respire. In these dreams I remember trying to get to a building that was a two –story state of the art therapy clinic (some things in the dream are definitely not feasible here, ha!), but each time I never could reach the destination. Each time, something prevented me from reaching the destination…I tried to ignore the dreams and feelings of wanting to travel to Haiti again…but….

Eventually, I found myself back in Haiti in February 2014 for another week (it was a good thing I never used my vacation days). This week was spent going to many other organizations and ministries to assess the needs and opportunities for future trips to Haiti. The entire week, I could not get my mind off the children with special needs that I had previously encountered. But I did not think that I had a role within Haiti. I returned home and once again thought I would just jump back into the 9-5 job. BUT shortly after I got home from that trip I learned of an opportunity with a rehab clinic in Haiti – they were specifically searching for an OT….so I pursued that opportunity and began conversations with this ministry – Haiti Medical Missions of Memphis. Within a few weeks, I had agreed to travel to fulfill the position of a clinical instructor for an OT student from the states who was wishing to complete a 3-month clinical in Haiti…

…and then the journey began…

I arrived in Haiti for a planned 5-month journey at a clinic I had never been to in a city I had never visited. I arrived to a facility where I knew no one and many languages were being spoken – Spanish, French, Kreyol, Italian. Overwhelmed. Fearful. Worried. All were words to describe my emotions at that time. I quickly questioned if I should just turn around, hop on a plane, and go back home. I was never one that had much fear of change…I typically embraced change without second thought. But this. This was different. A feeling I had never felt before and was not sure how to handle. However, I jumped right in and did the best I could. Quickly, I adjusted and all was well. Over the 5 months, I learned so many things – about Haiti’s culture, rehabilitation in Haiti, about myself, about life. I could write so much about the 5 months, but that will be for another time.

As the 5-month commitment was coming to end, I was presented with another opportunity to continue serving in Haiti. This time, I was to work with a student who would be returning to Respire post scoliosis surgery in the state - - - Caila. As I prayed about this opportunity, God gave me an immense amount of peace and told me to “go”. So I committed to help with Caila’s rehabilitation for a short period of time. Off I went. Moving to Respire was a whole new adventure. Going from living around 3-4 people who were once strangers and non-native English speaking, but became really good friends, to a new house, in a new city, with MANY new people. One would think this was an amazing thing as finally I was surrounded by many others and not just a few. One would think this would cure any loneliness that was present. However, for me, this was not exactly true. I jumped into a house full of truly amazing people, but a group of people who all had strong bonds, strong friendships. It was a group that had been on this journey, together, for a long time. Introverted me was way out of my comfort zone. Those feelings of fear of not fitting in, not being liked poured in like raging floodwaters. It is amazing how quickly old insecurities and fears can return without hesitation and without warning. But since I am a bit of a loner by nature, I adjusted okay and quickly jumped into what I was called here to do…

If anyone knows me, then they know how much I LOVE my career…my calling in life. God gave me the profession of OT and that alone has been an unbelievable blessing. Transitioning to Respire allowed me to dive right into the therapy world. It was a transition that was supposed to be just a few months to work with mainly one child and a handful of other students. But God. He had different plans. As the weeks went on, more and more kids continued to show up. I quickly felt the nudge to start an actual therapy program…to start a therapy clinic. I spent much time in prayer…trying to convince God that I was NOT the person for the job. I constantly said “nope, not me. Don’t choose me to do this”. And He continued to bring more and more kids (and adults) in search of therapy. I sometimes would think “not funny God…not funny” and I continued to try to ignore the feelings and ignore the potential of starting up an actual therapy program/clinic, but one day…I just fell to my knees and let go of my insecurities and self-doubts and opened my heart to what God was trying to tell me. From that point on, the therapy program was born and I am so blessed and thankful that I finally stepped out of my flesh and into God’s calling for me. Me letting my guard down = God’s work through me. There is so much I want to say, but I just cannot find the words to fully express my thoughts.

Three years later, through many ups and downs…at times more downs than ups….God still has me grounded here. I may never know the reason He called me to this journey over someone who would be far better at this life. But He called me and continues to call me to stay in Haiti. A place that was once foreign, scary at times, lonely, and confusing, but a place that has become home with new lifelong friends and so much joy. The hard days, the days where I sit and think, “how much longer God?” are quickly overshadowed with an overabundance of peace and joy. Am I the best person for this job? HECK NO!!! Do I do this right?…some days definitely not, some days yes (maybe); but every day is a learning experience. I may never fully understand why He called me out of all the more qualified people for this job, but I am forever grateful for HIM and will continue to His work here in Haiti for as long as God says.

Hairclips and Corn

About 1.5 months ago, I evaluated a little guy who most likely has cerebral palsy. He is also presents with mild malnutrition and has consistent seizures. He has significant delays and at the age of 3 is unable to sit on his own and has a hard time holding his head up. Mom came to the evaluation with tears in her eyes because she did not know how else to help her little guy. They were given weekly appointments for him to receive one-on-one therapy sessions. About 2 weeks after the evaluation, his mom pulled me aside. She reached into her bag and pulled out various hairclips. She said “I don’t have much at my house to give, but I wanted to give something to thank you for seeing my son”. She had tears in her eyes as she preceded to hand me the hairclips. She had gone through all that she had searching for a gift for me….a gift straight from her heart….to show her gratitude. The gift was perfect. Will I use the hairclips? No. I won’t because they would never stay in my hair. But this gift was perfect as it was given in a manner that God calls us to give. It was not about the materialistic item…it was about true, pure, giving from the heart.

Then, last week, Lala’s dad comes into therapy with little Lala. He is beaming ear to ear as always. He appeared a little more frazzled then normal, but was still smiling. I realize that he seemed a little stressed because Lala was sick…prayers for her. But before he mentioned her not feeling well, he unzipped his backpack and asked me to look inside. I looked and saw a ton of corn. He had brought a gift of corn. You see. This is a huge gift. A gift of food. I have an abundance of food. If I run out, then I can buy more because I have amazing people in my life that will not allow me to go hungry. I don’t need food, but Lala and her family NEED food. Instead of using this corn for his family, he brought it to give to me.

Giving. What does that mean? What is that supposed to look like? I think we often get lost in trying to find the “perfect” gift. We get lost in the hottest fad for that season. We tend to get nervous that our gift is not “good enough” or worried that the receiver is not going to “like” what we give. We give with adding in a return receipt just in case. All of this is materialistic giving. Maybe our hearts are in the right place, but I think we tend to get lost in the true meaning of giving.

The gifts I received were given from the heart…there was no worry about what I would like or what was “in” at the time. These parents were giving to me so I can have items; they wanted to express their gratitude. Materialistically I do not have a lot here. From American standards, I am “roughing it” as I am typing this from a dark room while charging my phone from my computer while sweating because it is hot and there is not fan. But I still have so much more materialistically than these two parents/families. And still, they brought me a gift….a gift they could use for themselves, for their families, but they chose to give to me. Would I do the same? Would I sacrifice what little food I had to give to someone who I knew already had food? I do not know if I would. But this kind of giving is what God calls us to do.

What's up with Lala?!?!

          I could not pass up the opportunity to update everyone on little LaLa. If you are not familiar with her story, then I encourage you look back on the blog posts tilted "A Dad Holding His Child" (May 2016) and "The Journey of Lala" (March 2017). Three weeks ago on April 28, Lala came to therapy; however she was pretty sick. Her breathing was slightly labored and she was significantly congested. Instead of her receiving therapy, we sent her to the clinic. Lala is typically a little congested; however this was a little worse than normal and her breathing pattern was not her usual. She got set up with what she needed at the clinic and went home. The following week, her sweet papa called and let us know that he could not bring her to therapy due to him being “sick in the eyes” – most likely pink eye (it is running rampant these days it seems). I became a little worried since she was sick the week before and then missing therapy and her weight check in the following week. Previously, when she had a similar sickness, she lost quite a bit of weight and regressed in a few skills. Things kind of spiraled downward that time. So I spent the week praying and, honestly, I spent the week a little worried. May 12^th came around the day of her next therapy appointment. By this time, it had been two full weeks. A lot can change in two weeks…and oh how she changed.

            Lala came in that Friday resting in her papa’s arms just like every other week. Sometimes you will get a serious Lala with a face of “oh gosh, I am here AGAIN?!?!”, other times you will get a “go with the flow” Lala with smiles and laughter, and at times you would get the “over it” Lala when she just cries until her papa holds her again. But that day, it was as if she was a whole new child. She popped up from her papa’s shoulders, looked around, and started belly laughing and clapping. With a huge smile on his face, her papa said “she’s doing so good…she’s all better”. She stole the show in the therapy room with all her new skills and bubbling personality. Instead of scooting across the floor on her belly, she somehow figured out how to bear walk to get around (yes…obviously we prefer a quadruped position for crawling, but hey, you have to give her credit for figuring out a way to be functional with her mobility). If she got tired while bear walking, then she would just collapse to her belly and rest for a bit and then get up and do it all over again. She also figured out if she sits on her bottom, then she can spin herself round and round. This move made her laugh in a way I have never heard from her as well as make her so excited that she did not know what to do next. We worked on cruising and she almost took a few steps while holding onto a stable surface, but she became distracted by her feet. We also worked on walking a little….she was all about walking and just smiled, laughed, and interacted with everyone she passed by. In addition to these new skills and activities, Lala has become obsessed with kissing, not only people, but objects. She would go in for a kiss and then would scrunch up her face and belly laugh. I am not sure what changed; however in two weeks she became a different child with many new skills.

            The whole time, her papa was looking on and raising his hands in the air praising the Lord. I fell into a pit of humility. I was witnessing a papa who once felt he was unfit to care for his daughter; a papa who felt his daughter was better off with complete strangers rather than himself and her family; a papa who once had no hope. This papa, his family, they practically have nothing. Minimal to no past education, no steady job or income, no materialistic items, constant struggle for food and for their basic needs to be met, but there he was, lifting his arms in praise. Childlike faith. Many times it comes through innocent children, other times it comes through grown adults. 

She says, "I'm so excited about life today".

Check out all those new teeth!!!

She may look like she is crying, but this is her dying laughing when she was chatting with her papa. 

"I promise I am an angel" ;) 

(Unfortunately, I could not get videos to upload on here; however you can check out Lala walking on the Respire Haiti Facebook page.)

p.s. Supporting my ministry is easy and gifts are tax deductible: 1. ONLINE GIFTS www.worldoutreach.org/donations and follow the prompts. You can also set-up automatic monthly gifts by clicking the "monthly" option. 2. CHECKS: mail to World Outreach Ministries P.O. Box B, Marietta, GA 30061 and put "Ashley Kahila #406 in the memo.