Haitiversary #5

Five years. 

Five months has turned into five years. 

Five years of living in Haiti. 

Five years of climbing more mountains and entering more valleys than one can count. 

Five years of diving into darkness, while witnessing the greatest light. 

Five years of being exposed to the deepest heartache and pain imaginable. 

Five years of experiencing the truest, most unimaginable joy and happiness. 

Five years of digging further into my faith than I ever thought possible. 

Five years. 

I started this blog awhile back as I was determined to post on (or closer to) August 2^nd, the actual day I moved to Haiti in 2014; however, the words would not come. I wrote the above and then stopped. I returned to it many times never editing it or adding a word. I suppose I found myself at a loss for words when attempting to express my thoughts and feelings regarding the past five years. Five years is not a long time in retrospect, but in many ways, it has felt like a lifetime. I feel my attempt at summing up the past five years will be inadequate and subpar. Nonetheless, here it is…

Five years ago, I traveled to a city I had never visited in a foreign country I had only been to twice before. My initial “move” to Haiti was to be for 5 months. Only 5 months. At the time, I thought I was a little crazy as I was stepping out of a job that I loved and heading to a place that I had no clue if I would love or adapt to or thrive in. It was a random clinic in a random city in a different country. At the time, I had a peace that I could not explain. That peace was also mixed with slight hesitation (or maybe lots of hesitation). I just simply jumped off the ledge and dove into the unknown. My role at this clinic was ultimately to serve as a clinical instructor for an occupational therapy student from the states. However, God had extremely different plans for me and Haiti. Kwadebouke was good to me and for me, but not where God wanted to plant me long term. 

In January 2015, just three weeks after completing my 5-month commitment in Kwadebouke, I moved to Gressier jumping on board with the team at Respire Haiti. Initially the plan was for me to work with Caila (refer to previous blog posts about her and her journey) and a handful of students at Respire Haiti Christian School. I arrived on a Sunday and started evaluating kids the next the day. Just 3 weeks after my arrival, Caila and I were off to the states for what ended up being 8 full weeks. I could write a book about those 8 weeks, but the cliff note version = God is true to His promises and never failing and I had to pull closer to Jesus than during those 8 weeks than ever before. 

After our return in April 2015, I was given a list of kids who had shown up at the clinic in search for therapy services. And then it began. The therapy program was born. I would say that slowly it was built one patient at a time, but that would paint a very unrealistic picture. Very quickly, I realized the high demand for therapy services in Gressier and nearby communities, especially services for children. Quickly, I found myself with 40-50+ patients and a sense of being extremely overwhelmed with a mix of a high amount of self-doubt as more and more people came seeking services. I would think to myself, “what in the world am I doing…I don’t know how to do this”. But there I sat, with all these patients with more coming, knowing I needed to do something. After a couple of months of attempting to manage it all myself and attempts to of convincing myself that I could not start nor run a clinic, the first national staff member was hired. A rehabilitation technician who I had the pleasure of assisting with her clinical education while I was at the clinic in Kwadebouke. I knew she had yet to receive a paying job after she had graduated so I contacted her to come work for Respire. A few months later, I was able to hire a national physical therapist. They were a small, but mighty crew. These two no longer work for Respire, but they were definitely a huge part of the therapy program and its growth and success. Solid building blocks for a solid foundation. I am forever grateful for their time working for Respire Haiti. 

Fast forward to present day. We currently have 4 nationals working in the therapy clinic. One physical therapist and three rehabilitation technicians. There is zero doubt that these four were perfectly hand crafted by God to work alongside Respire. No other explanation exists. God sent them specifically to serve at Respire. I use the term “serve” instead of “work” because they serve our patients, our community, surrounding communities…they do not simply “work”, they serve with kindness and love. The program initially served just children; however now serves all ages of all diagnoses. Together, as a team, we have the privilege of serving 120+ patients a week of varying ages and diagnoses. We provide a parent support group where parents gather in a safe environment and talk about tough stuff. Diving into their hearts and stories has been humbling, heartbreaking, and powerful. My favorite thing about the clinic has been the connections and support that has formed between the patients and their families. Witnessing a group of individuals come together in unity during hardships is an amazing thing. When they come into the therapy clinic, they are able to experience a little relief. A sense of a heavy load being lifted off their shoulders even if just for a short time. I love seeing a group of people coming together and feeling loved, supported, and cared for…sometimes for the first time in their lives. It’s genuine. It’s the body of Christ in action. That’s what the therapy clinic signifies to me – the body of Christ. It is not just about therapy and physical healing. It is so much more. It is deeper. Witnessing what God has done to grow the therapy program is beyond what words can describe. We have shared deep joy and deep sorrow, new life and many deaths, triumphs and failures. We have laughed and we have wept. Jesus has had his hand in it all.    

I am often left at a loss of words when I take the time to step back and observe the therapy clinic. Dumbfounded is the only word I can muster up right now. How in the world, was I chosen to develop a therapy clinic…a job I am way under qualified to fulfill? I will never know this side of heaven why God chose me, but I am beyond thankful that I said yes to His call. The peace overflows every inch of me when I am in the therapy clinic. On a daily basis, I witness chains being broken in powerful ways. I see people freed from the chains of a culture/society that tell them they are no good, worthless, nonhuman – those chains are broken and they are released into freedom full of hope. That’s Jesus. 

Over the past five years, I have seen things I cannot un-see, heard things I cannot un-hear, and experienced things that will forever be embedded deep in my soul. But through it all, when I allowed, it all has drawn me closer to Jesus. When I initially arrived in Haiti, especially at Respire, I came with a lot of baggage and no expectations. The challenges I have experienced over the 5 years is nothing compared to the growth I have experienced. Growth in all ways – mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Every aspect of my core, my soul, has been tried and tested. Failures have occurred. Successes too. Pain and sorrow. Countless trauma. I have experienced fear and shame. Guilt as well. Confusion. Chains and freedom. Hurt and healing. It’s all very much present, sometimes on a daily basis. Through it all, I see Jesus. He’s been my ultimate defender. My voice when he’s told me to stay silent. He has been my everlasting confidence when the future was unknown. He’s been my faithful comforter during hard times, a faithful cheerleader during times of joy and triumph. He has held me up when the pressure was too much, which I was drowning. He has been my strength when I have fallen tired and weary. He has known what I have needed when I had no clue. His provisions are never ending...and always perfect. 

So what’s coming in this next year, year 6 in Haiti? 

Well, that is for God to know and for me to trust. 

Stroke Group

All of you that know me well, know that pediatric therapy is my jam, my passion, my comfort level…adults, not so much. My confidence level in my skills as a therapist decreases about 100% when an adult patient is placed in front of me. It is like I forget everything therapy when a large person is staring back at me. Even though I tend to freeze and panic and forget my left arm from my right when it comes to adult patients, I am here to tell you that the adult stroke group is by far one of my favorite things in life currently. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning a group of 10-15 adults join together and participate in stroke group. They start each group with singing and prayer. Then they participate in group exercises as well as complete individual exercise stations that are set up around the clinic. The most fun activity is definitely dancing. We turn the music way up and they dance away - a modified Zumba class in a way. And every participant definitely has way better dance moves than I do! 

The group started in January 2018 and has only flourished. The participants encourage each other cheering each on. They rejoice together when an achievement is made. They support each other when hardships strike. They have developed their own community and have become more like family than just another therapy patient. Many come early and hang out in the clinic together before group. They even lecture each other sometimes when a blood pressure is too high. The laughter that echos in the hallway during group hits a chord deep in my heart. It is such a peaceful noise to hear. The joy is felt deep in my soul and I just picture Jesus hanging with the group during each session, dancing alongside them and holding their weak arm up when needed or lifting their weak leg just right to clear the step or cone. 

I look forward to this amazing group every week! 

Superwoman? Wonder Woman? No…just plain old me

Over the past few months (or rather years), I have been on a rollercoaster adventure. I would like to say that God has been the leader throughout this entire adventure, but I am afraid that is probably not fully the truth. I have gone from one rollercoaster to the next with no stopping for rest in between. Rollercoasters that brought excitement and joy. Rollercoasters that brought fear and sadness. Rollercoasters that brought deep hurt and pain. Rollercoasters that brought happiness and fulfillment. It is as if I have jumped off one rollercoaster right onto the next without stepping foot on solid ground for even just a brief moment of time. Recently, within the past few weeks, the Lord graciously slapped me in the face with the reality that I cannot keep jumping from rollercoaster to rollercoaster without crashing and burning. Isn’t it great when He takes over and does this to your soul?! I would love to pretend like I am fully capable of continuing down this bumpy path without any issue, but at the end of the day, God is right and I am far from knowing what is best for my body, mind, and soul. I am not the one to just hand it back to him easily and smoothly…so of course the Holy Spirit had a hard job of prying open my heart and mind to not only hearing, but believing what God was communicating.

Most of you are probably familiar with the following scripture:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me, and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30

I love the translation of this scripture in “The Message” as it lays it out in practical terms. Terms that my brain can absorb and understand without an exhausting amount of effort. And oh how I need to read this passage and pray over it right now. The current state of my mind is nothing short of dismal and the above passage is a reminder of this. My current state is tired, lonely, worn out, and close to burned out in every aspect of life. All of this is hard to admit. I am not good at hiding it nor do I deny this reality. However, I prefer to think of myself as Wonder Woman or Superwoman…or some woman with an immense amount of super powers – having the capability of flying or being invisible would be a major plus…not to mention that having a kickass cape would be amazing. I am not talking a cape made out of a towel with a duct tape “K” on it signifying “Captain K” like I had in college for my amazing super power of downing an insane amount of Captain Morgan in one given night…I am talking a real super hero cape that provides an unrealistic amount of power and sustainability. Unfortunately, I feel even when Wonder Woman or Superwoman doffs her cape, there are visible scars and bruises indicating the amount of pain that she endured throughout the day in order to provide for and protect all those around her that she cares for and loves so deeply. Even superheroes can hide behind their cape and put on an energetic, joyful facade when really behind the cape is weariness, fatigue, frustration, and anger. It is easy to pretend like we are made of rubber or elastic with an unbreakable flexibility. It is easy to pretend like hardships and struggles just bounce off of us with no effect. It is easy to hide behind a cape and believe that we can do this life, here on earth, alone. But it’s all just a facade…it’s all what satan wants us to believe so he can wiggle his way in to kill, steal, and destroy anything and everything we have or are doing. Superheroes such as Superwoman and Wonder Woman are obviously not real characters in the game of life. Unfortunately, many of us, myself included, believe we are just that, invincible beings who are unbreakable. It is so false. I am, all humans are, breakable. We are capable of exhaustion. We are capable of losing focus. We are capable of falling apart. Any human who thinks or believes otherwise is setting himself or herself up for a world of hurt. At the end of every day, I am just plain old me…no invincibility, no ability to fly, no super powers, just plain old me. Obviously, intellectually I have always known all of this; however it is a heart issue and without even realizing, I have fallen away from the knowledge that is embedded in my brain and dug myself into a pit of exhaustion.  

The only way we will find true rest is through Jesus himself. Currently, I am carrying around heavy bags, literally and figuratively. My body hurts as I carry around bags of 20-30+ pounds and occasionally bedside commodes, wheelchairs, and mini trampolines, up and down the mountain multiple times a week…and yes for those wondering, I do this always while wearing my black flip-flops, sometimes the ones with holes in them. And figuratively, my soul hurts as I carry around the heavy load of daily traumas as I pile more stories of pain and hurt and abuse into my already overloaded backpack. But as we read in Matthew, it says “I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you”, so maybe, just maybe, these heavy loads I am carrying around daily are not of him, but of my flesh. Ouch. That is a hard reality to face. Is it pride? Is it resilience? Is it brokenness? Is it stubbornness? Is it caring too much? I am not sure. But whatever it is, it definitely is not from Christ. Soul check!

I jump back to the sentence “Learn the unforced rhythms of grace”. I think I skipped over this part initially…mostly because I did not know how to interpret that statement, or maybe it is rather due to the fact that I did not want my heart to go there. God promises us “unforced rhythms of Grace” just as He promises us rest. The “unforced rhythms of grace” are oftentimes subtle and small and easily drowned out by my addiction to busyness and work tasks. Add this to the soul check list as I sit here and think about all the times I have probably missed that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me and leading me because I was deafened by the noise of my daily life, not taking the time to slow down and be still. I keep running on this never ending treadmill going nowhere fast, truly not knowing how or being capable of slowing my pace. It is as if I have been building up this false momentum thinking I was preparing my body, mind, and soul for longevity and sustainability when in reality I am more likely leading myself to a state of burnout. I believe learning these “unforced rhythms of grace” requires one to find a balance between, or rather filling a gap between an unhealthy reality and God’s reality. The unhealthy reality brings about tension and stress where as God’s reality brings renewal and restoration. Grace is a perfect rhythm wonderfully produced by God.

And oh how my soul finds relief when I read “keep company with me, and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly”. “Keep company with me…” My heart smiles as relief calms my soul. God wants to be our company. He desires to be our company. God does not want us nor call us to do life on earth alone. He not only wants us to be company with Him, but he wants us to keep company with him – no matter what trials or stress or hardships life throws at us, we are to always keep in the presence of the Lord. The statement of “you’ll learn to live freely and lightly” indicates that possibly not all of us were made to automatically understand this – “You WILL learn”…we have to learn this as we are not born with the innate capability of just doing this, but at the same time, we have to want to learn this. I have been pretty much a low maintenance, minimalist person my entire life in regards to materialistic items; however I know this is not the point of this statement – living free and lightly obviously does not mean in regards to materialistic items, but rather, it is pointed towards ones spirit. Any clutter within my soul far outweighs materialistic clutter. What is my spirit demanding of Christ? What is my spirit expecting? What bondage is my soul holding onto? That deep heaviness in my soul is not of the Lord. Another soul check!

God gives us the guide to live a life that does not result in weariness or exhaustion. He gives us the template of living a life of grace and love without unnecessary hardships; however, we tend to let our flesh get in the way. Or at least I let my own flesh get in the way of what He has called me to do. Busyness and frustration and anxiety are resultant factors of me living my life outside of the focus of Christ. I have seemed to don my superhero vision goggles and badass cape that make me invincible to all things thrown my way…but unfortunately those goggles and that cape are not real and only a deception of the enemy. What I am hopeful, and like to think, is bouncing off of me, is actually being absorbed into every part of my being.

As I sit and type these words and admit these truths within my soul, I feel a little tension and stress leave my body as I realize the heavy load I am carrying is not of Him…but of me. The expectations I carry around on my shoulders are not of Him, but rather expectations that I have placed ever so carefully on myself…each one perfectly positioned to allow for more and more to pile up. It’s like a game of Jenga and it is just a matter of time before all the pieces come crumbling down...

As 2018 is coming to a close, my heart and mind are beginning to focus on 2019. Focused on a new year, a new chapter in the book of life. I tend to live day to day without much thought about the immediate future as I feel like most of us living here in Haiti do because well, we just never know what tomorrow will bring and we definitely cannot even begin to make any guesses. My focus for 2019 is longevity and sustainability for myself – spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. My focus is to slow down, process and heal. My focus is to be still and hear that small voice whispering truths and love and grace into my heart. My focus will be to reset my soul. My focus is to continue to stand on the frontline in the battle God placed me in with a renewed strength.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God…

A Special Celebration

One of the many things that I have learned throughout the past few years in Haiti has been the amount of international policy and advocacy campaigns so many of us in the United States are unaware of. Or maybe, it is rather I was unaware and living under a rock. Either way, I have learned so much and have been able to become involved in my profession on a much deeper level than I ever did and probably would ever while working in the states. I think we kind of just get these blinders on that keep us focused on only what is directly in front us and shields us from the bigger picture.

Monday (December 3^rd) was “International Day of Persons with Disabilities”. I will be starting with a little background on the what this day means prior to getting to the fun stuff, just bear with me, I promise it will be quick…

First off, prior to coming to Haiti, I had zero knowledge this day even existed. I had no clue that in 1992 the United Nations General Assembly declared December 3^rd as the annual observance of the “International Day of Persons with Disabilities”, which I will refer to as IDPD throughout this blog post. I’ll be honest in saying I knew nothing about the UN in general let alone all the entities that the UN encompasses. International Day of Persons with Disabilities aims to “promote the rights and well-being of persons with disabilities in all spheres of society and development, and to increase awareness of the situation of persons with disabilities in every aspect of political, social, economic and cultural life”. Whew. A lot of powerful statements in one sentence and brings joy to my heart.

Each year a theme is established and the theme for 2018 is “Empowering persons with disabilities and ensuring inclusiveness and equality”.  I feel like this theme can be implied to my entire time in Haiti so far. It is my daily life – advocating for and empowering those impacted by special needs and disabilities. The focus and goal of the therapy clinic, special needs classrooms, and other special needs programs at Respire are exactly stated in the theme of IDPD this year. 

So how did Respire celebrate this important day?! Hosting a party of course! A couple of months ago the 4 therapy staff members requested to meet with me. They appeared very serious initially and of course I immediately though “Oh gosh, are they all quitting?” Ha! The way my brain works is comical sometimes. No, they were not quitting nor did they have any issues to discuss. Rather, they wanted to plan an event for December 3^rd to celebrate IDPD. My answer was of course an immediate “yes”. The 4 staff collaborated with the teachers in the special needs classrooms and the mental health staff and planned an amazing event.

As the weeks leading up to December 3^rd were full of protests and blocked roads, it was a question as to how December 3^rd would play out. Nothing was planned for the day so I was sure the event would be amazing. It was planned for a 10am start time. Around 9:30, I was a tad worried that the event would be a flop due to traffic issues in a few areas…including areas that the therapy staff travels from. Luckily, by 9:45 all staff were accounted for and a few more attendees had arrived. Of course, the event began 30 minutes late; however I consider that good, as it is common here to start things an hour or more late. 

The event consisted of deep prayer, praising the Lord, recognition of a few families, and a whole lot of fun provided by the students in the special needs classrooms. Each student had a role in the program. Bible verses, poems, and prayers were recited. A group of 5 students danced their way into the hearts of every person in the crowd. Witnessing the crowd stand and cheer for these amazing students was purely heart warming. To see them celebrated for them, simply, being themselves was awesome.

As I watched each piece of this event unfold, tears filled my eyes while joy flooded my heart. The deep worship and deep gratitude for our Lord was evident in the crowd. Eyes closed, voices loud, hands in the air. This crowd was full of just a tiny portion of the individuals who have walked through the threshold of the therapy room over the past few years. Each individual sitting in that room has been given hope and unconditional love because God placed an accessible therapy program into their life. I sat and wondered, “Wow. How is this part of my life? How are these amazing people part of my story?” Disbelief overtook every inch of me. Tears filled my eyes once again as I sat and just simply said “thank you God for this journey”.

God has definitely blessed me with an amazing responsibility to fight for all those sitting in that crowd, those in the past, and those yet to come. I often find myself talking with God and asking him, “am I really the right one for this job” or “am I doing this good enough”? God, how am I, this broken and beaten soul, written into the story of all these individuals that were once strangers, but now are my friends who feel more like family. While I was watching the celebration, I felt complete peace within my soul as God gently whispered to me, “you are already enough…as long as you keep your focus on me, I will do the rest”. Truth. I love when God takes me out of my flesh, grounds me and brings me right back to Him.

It was then I looked at everyone sitting there cheering, laughing, and clapping that I fully realized the impact the therapy program has had. Those who were smiling and cheerful were once solemn and unhappy. Those who were laughing were once only crying. Those who were holding or dancing with their child were once sitting on the other side of the room away from their child. The kids who were sitting and standing were once lying on their back all day long. The kids running from their parents were once only able to sit next to their parents. Those who were raising both arms high in the air praising the good Lord were once only able to raise one arm. Those who walked into the room smiling and waving, were once fearful to walk in front of a crowd because of a limp they developed after a stroke. Those who were showing off their kids in front of over a 100 people were once hiding their child under a blanket as they carried them so the world did not see.

So many stories came in like flood waters rushing through a broken dam. Stories of God’s mercy and grace. Stories of overcoming hopelessness and fear. Stories of redemption. Stories of triumph. Stories of struggle. Stories of sadness and deep pain. Stories of death. Stories of survival. So many stories.

We sat in celebration of people who are told by their culture and community that they are no good. A culture that says they are not worthy of celebration. A culture that says they are non-human. But God. God is changing the culture. God is changing their communities. He never wastes a hurt. He never wastes a pain. He never wastes a story of abuse. He never wastes a story of abandonment. He never wastes a story. He uses all for His good and while sitting in that room…we witnessed His good works.

Patients and students are already asking when the next party is going to be. It was definitely a good day of celebrating many amazing people who all hold a very special place in my heart!

"Jete Li" and more

Just a warning…this post is very scattered and encompasses the ramblings of my mind in no organized manner. I am asked frequently and have been for years why I do not post more often. OR I am asked why I do not post with full vulnerability and transparency. I never have a good response to these questions so I tend to say, “I am just too busy these days”.  But in reality, it is really because I do not know how to respond. I simply cannot develop appropriate sentences to convey what my feelings and emotions want. No words will fully suffice what is on my mind and in my heart.

I feel like this will be a blog of a countless amount of discombobulated words possibly impossible for any human brain to sort out and make sense of. None the less…here are my ramblings….

“Jete Li”. In English, “throw him/her/it away”. This is a term I hear a lot, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily. “Jete li”. My heart is shattered into a million pieces each and every time I hear those words. This phrase is a common occurrence due to parents/caregivers being told to throw out their child if he/she has a disability or special need. Literally, they are told to throw their child away…to get rid of him. Parents hear this from doctors, family members, community members, and strangers passing by.

Imagine having a son with Down Syndrome and the first thing that is said to you after delivery is “He’s no good. You need to get rid of him”. Imagine bringing home your precious daughter who has spina bifida or cerebral palsy and the first thing your family says is “She’s ugly, give her away. We don’t want her in our family”.  Imagine hearing these comments on a daily basis if you choose to keep your child that you love unconditionally regardless of the presence of a diagnosis.

Unfortunately, this is reality for so many that come to the therapy clinic with their child. Looks of defeat and hopelessness overwhelm a parents face when arriving to the clinic for the first time while carrying their beloved children. We invite them in with welcoming arms and accepting conversation, and it is as if they are soldiers coming off the front line bloody and beaten and are finally able to sit and breath for the first time in a long time. Sometimes for the first time since their child was born. Countless times, a parent looks at me with tears in her eyes as she quietly states with a sense of shame, “will you take my child? I cannot keep her?” Each of those words and each tear is a dagger in my heart being twisted with greater force each time. As I feel her pain enter into my soul, tears form, and I gently place my hand on her shoulder and I tell her “You can do this. We will help you do this”.  Minute by minute you can see a glimmer of hope slightly emerge from many. Hope does not always peak its head out quickly, but oftentimes, I get a little nudge from God that gently assures me it is coming. As a parent sits in the therapy room for a short time, she is able to see other kids and adults receiving therapy and more importantly she is able to connect with other parents. As conversations ensue, fear slowly escapes her soul and a small smile gradually forms. Again, some parents take a little longer than others, but when that genuine smile first emerges my soul bursts with joy, as I know God is at work within them. And a lot of times within the first visit to the clinic, parents are able to gather up enough strength and courage to return to the next appointment. This turns into weeks of showing up for appointments and then months.

Strong and courageous are two common adjectives in my vocabulary to describe the parents and caregivers I have the privilege to work with on a daily basis. I have carried patients up and down the mountain and along the main road…and I have endured the stares, the hateful comments, the tormenting taunts, etc. All because the child I was carrying had a disability. The parents endure this each and every time they step foot outside of their house. The child hears those words and sees the actions of others every single day of their lives. Parents try to protect them, but it is unavoidable. To bring a child with sa disability out of a house and move around in the community let alone travel to other communities takes unimaginable courage and strength. It is so much easier to hide the child and to pretend like the child does not exist, which is still a very common occurrence. But the parents that bring their child to therapy do so regardless of the comments and the stares. And you know what, the majority of the parents are so proud of their child that eventually when those comments are thrown their way, they show off the kid and respond joyfully and gracefully…and now even throw education at those who satan puts in their path. 

I am going to rewind a bit to when I first started the therapy program back in 2015. I had only been in Haiti for a short time when God first laid it on my heart to start an actual therapy program and not just see a handful of kids. I was extremely hesitant as I thought, “how in the world am I going to start a therapy program?? I don’t know how to do that…I won’t be good at that, no way.”  If you read previous blog posts, you will get more of the story of how this all unfolded. But during the initial stages, God sent so many amazing parents who wanted to share their stories with me. Yep, you’re probably thinking, “why Ashley?” I was thinking the same thing, “why me?” I do not have kids of my own let alone a child with disabilities. I had never started nor run a therapy clinic and had no idea how to even begin. But there I was standing in the medical clinic with groups of parents and kids listening to them pour their hearts out to me…a complete stranger. As they talked, I began to learn so much about the special needs population in Haiti and even more about the parents who courageously choose to keep their children. I wish I could type out all of their stories and share with everyone because they are absolutely painfully beautiful, but I would need a thousand pages to do so and I am assuming most of you are getting a little bored with my ramblings just in this one blog post. But, these initial stories and that phrase “jete li”, were the building blocks for the parent support group that was started in mid 2015. The foundation of the support group is unfortunately solidified by the pain and hurt that parents and families have endured.

Belo was so confident in starting this group, but I was fearful because I had zero confidence in myself to prepare for and run a support group for parents who have been through so many hardships that I could not even begin to comprehend. But God. He built this group and He was and continues to be the leader of the group. I stepped out of my flesh and right into the arms of the Lord. I prayed for him to guide me through the preparation and the implementation of group and He did just that. God has used the parent support group not only to support the parents and families, but also as an educational avenue for me to dive deep into a culture that is not my own. Through that, I am better prepared to encourage and empower families and patients on a daily basis. Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes as I think about how beautiful it is that God prepares his soldiers perfectly in order to fight His battles. So group started and still continues today…

In parent support group, the stories that are shared are heart wrenching. I tend to not share these stories with many as I try to respect those that openly share their personal lives in a private setting. For many years I have prayed for discernment regarding how much to share, to expose.  Recently, one thing that has been weighing heavily on my heart is the fact that I am here in Haiti to not only hear and live the stories of these strong, courageous parents, family members, and caregivers, but also to share these stories so the disability population and their families no longer go unnoticed, no longer go unheard. God wants them to be heard and prayed for and loved. Their voices need to be heard because they are powerful!

Proverbs 31:8-9 – “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy”. God laid this scripture on my heart many years ago when He first gave me that little nudge to start a therapy program. Sadly, I have been failing at this. I have not been advocating to the extent that God wants me to advocate. They need to be heard. They are all precious children of God and he wants his children heard and loved. Sometimes God calls us to stay silent in a fight, but other times he calls us to scream and shout and fight for justice and equality. So here I am to scream and shout for his beloved people. (and I want to explain that this verse nor my words mean that people do not have a voice and need someone to actually speak for them, but rather, sometimes support and encouragement is needed for one to USE their voice with confidence...)

Read a few snapshots of stories that I have encountered over the years…some may be hard to read, I left out the worst stories, but let this soak in a bit….

- A mother of a baby diagnosed with Down Syndrome – the doctor told her that her baby was no good and to get rid of her immediately. Mom took the baby and ran before any one could intervene and take her baby from her. Her decision to keep her precious baby resulted in domestic abuse prior to her and the baby being abandoned by all family members including the father of the baby. They were left to survive on their own.

- A dad who has a child with cerebral palsy. Mom decided to listen to those around her and left because she believed she was to blame for her son’s diagnosis. She was told the cerebral palsy was a direct result of her sins. The dad is no longer able to work because he has to take care of his son. Now they are trying to survive in severe poverty.

- The mother who desperately needs a little respite, but no one is there to help care for her child. She knows that if a family member were to care for him even for an hour or two, he would not be properly taken care of or worse and fall under the hands of an abuser.

- The mother who did allow a family member to take care of her daughter for just 2 hours only to come home to find her child sitting in a soiled diaper while a person is forcing feces into her mouth as a punishment

- The mother of a 7 year old child who is 19 pounds and has cerebral palsy but she has no means to care for him…and all options provided to her fall through due to her own mental illness.

- The mom and dad coming in with a baby with severe hydrocephaly…their first question, “is our baby going to die?” They ask this with tears in their eyes because their first and only other child died due to a heart condition that was not treatable in Haiti…and you know the reality of the situation

- The parents who end up walking a far distance carrying their child because public transportation (tap taps and motos) will not stop to pick them up because the child has a visible disability

- The parents of children who have diagnoses that are relatively easily treatable in the United States, but in Haiti, if the child is not severe enough then he will not receive a needed life saving surgery…and if the child is too severe, then he will not receive a needed life saving surgery. Us being left to explain this

- The mother who was told by many doctors and an orphanage that her child was no good…and her breaking under the pressure of the lies and deception resulting in her decision to throw her precious child over a bridge to a waterless ravine that was home to wild hogs

- The mother who has thoughts of suicide and/or thoughts about killing her child because the pressure placed on her by her family and community to give her child away is just too much to bear sometimes

Story after story of heartbreak and sadness – many stories are too disheartening to put into written words. But one thing that is certain, the need for therapy and mental health intervention is extremely high and never ending. Daily, individuals show up at the clinic seeking out services. Sometimes, even begging for assistance. Unfortunately, the demand is so great, that we cannot match all the needs. We simply just cannot. During the clinic day, I disconnect from my emotions because sometimes it is just too much to bear. A little piece of me is chiseled away each time we add a person to the waiting list. The reality of that list is tough…kids have passed away, moms have been abused, families have been broken apart, neglect, starvation, etc. It is all occurred. I am often finding myself thinking, “what if? What if she or he was given services sooner and not put on the waiting? What if?” I cannot get stuck in the “what if’s” in life, but it is hard to not let myself go there. It is hard to not carry all of this on my shoulders. It is hard to not to think that I am not fighting HIS battle well enough. It simply is just hard sometimes.

I want to end by saying…there is also SO much joy and happiness that occurs daily in the therapy clinic. Aside from a few crying patients, you will often hear laughter and cheering seeping out of the hallway of the therapy rooms. We strive to provide a space that overwhelms one with a sense of safety, acceptance, joy and love the minute the threshold is crossed. On the walls you will see pictures of current and past patients. You will hear worship music blaring while patients, staff, and families sing along to many of the songs. You will witness first hand tears of joy as a new milestone is achieved. You will hear so much conversation amongst parents and families that it is literally deafening at times. Overall, within the walls of the therapy clinic, you will see God fervently at work protecting his people by fighting of satan’s tactics. The special needs population in Haiti is truly the “least of the least of these”…and each and every victory really makes satan angry. And boy does he go on a violent rampage attacking in every way possible. But God. God is way bigger. 

and a very random side note...the post titles on my blog have all of a sudden changed to blue? I really want it back to the original color, but cannot figure out how to so if anyone has any knowledge on this, please pass it along to me :)