An Unexpected Calling

It’s official…I will be going to Haiti!!! I have chosen to leave a job that I absolutely love with all my heart to follow God’s calling. And yes, that calling is to Haiti.  

So why in world would I want to leave the comfort of a stable job, a stable income, a stable home, and many, many other comforts? Why leave a definite future for an unknown future? Why leave family and friends to live amongst strangers? And questions could go on and on…I am not exactly sure how to answer all the questions that have been asked and that will continue to be asked. I will begin by posting what I wrote after my first trip to Haiti in May 2013. Hopefully, this will paint a picture of how I came to love a country that is not far away from the US…a country that is beautiful…a country that is struggling with poverty…a country that stole my heart.

As I returned from this trip; many people asked “How was your trip?”…but I struggled with quickly answering this question. Do I say “good”? Well it really wasn’t “good”, but it wasn’t bad…it is just something that needed to be explained, but I knew people didn’t want to stand around for hours listening to me talk. And anyone who knows me knows that I am not a “talker”. Rather I am an observer, an analyzer, a deep thinker…not a talker. So I decided to write up a “little” tidbit shortly after we returned to the states. Some of you may have read this already…most others have not. I do apologize ahead of time for the length…but I strongly encourage you to read fully.

Originally written June 2^nd, 2013

Finding Peace on Top of Bellevue Mountain

As I stood on top of the mountain looking out at the breathtaking view surrounding me, I was hit by a feeling I had never felt before. I was overcome with the feeling of peace. True peace. Over the past year, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions as I was searching for healing from my past and as I was faced with many tough decisions about my future. Would I stay in Southeast Missouri or would I leave to pursue other opportunities? As the months went on, God showed and told me many times that it was not time to leave. Even though I was angry, truly angry, by this because I did not want to stay, I knew I had to follow God’s guidance, which I have failed to do so many times before. And I was led to verbally agree to stay at my job another year. I soon was given the opportunity to go on a trip to Haiti. After much prayer, I made the decision to join the 13 others on this trip. I boarded the plane still unsure of what God’s plans were for me on this trip and even more unsure of the plans God has for me over this coming year. It was not until the moment, three days into the trip, while standing on the top of Bellevue Mountain in Gressier, Haiti that I truly found peace. I felt the Holy Spirit move through me as all the past anger and bitterness was swept away like a lifeless vessel in a raging sea. The end result – PEACE.  All of a sudden, the need to know answers to the “why” questions was no longer existent. I realized that I did not have to know all the answers and I will never understand why things happen on this side of heaven. But God knows why as everything is part of His good plan. One day I will SEE why and I will KNOW why. A weight had been lifted and life began moving. At that moment I knew, I was right where I was supposed to be. God’s timing is perfect!  As I continue to be in the unknown of the future, God knows and, in HIS time, he will show me the plans. My job is to listen, trust, and obey without question! It may have taken a trip to Haiti with 13 strangers, but I was brought to Haiti for this to be embedded in my heart…among many other reasons… I finally tore my walls down and fully opened my heart to God.

As I traveled to Haiti with 13 others, most of whom I did not know, I had no idea what to expect. Yes, I did know about the poverty in Haiti. Yes, I did know about the corrupt government in Haiti. Yes, I did know that food, amenities, and houses were a rarity in Haiti. And yes, I did know that there were many orphans in Haiti. But seeing all of this firsthand quickly changed my perspective and my life forever. Upon first glance, it appears the beauty of the country is hidden behind piles upon piles of trash. Then you get to know the people, see how they live, and soon realize the true beauty of this country lies within the people. And your entire perspective changes.

It is easy to ignore the statistics when you do not know the people and have not looked into their eyes. But once you look into those eyes, the statistics quickly become a jumbled mess printed on paper. You are changed, I am changed, and turning your back, my back, is no longer an option. Just knowing the facts about a country is not enough. This country is our neighbor. It is a short 2 hours from the US. In TWO HOURS, you can see a country with no food, water, houses, free education, jobs, etc. In TWO HOURS, you can see children who are forced to work hours upon hours each and every day with no food, water, or a safe shelter in return. In TWO HOURS, you can see a parent searching endlessly for a job so maybe, just maybe he could feed his family a meal. In TWO HOURS, you can see children of all ages walking around alone searching for anywhere to go and for something to do. In TWO HOURS, you can see endless amounts of child slaves, abused and broken. In TWO HOURS, you can see a child with no toys or games to play with or a bed to sleep in. In TWO HOURS, you can see a child that has never heard the words “I love you”. In TWO HOURS you can see eyes screaming for help. In just TWO HOURS from our safe world where we have endless amounts of stuff…stuff that we do not need…stuff that buries our souls…stuff that brings nothing but envy, greed, sadness, there is a country that has nothing, but, in reality, has so much more than any one of us in the United States.

During my week visit, I had many opportunities to just listen to the sounds and watch the people around me. I heard the goats, roosters, and chickens. I heard children laughing and people singing. I saw children running, jumping, smiling, and playing. I saw joy. I saw happiness. I saw excitement. I saw siblings care for each other like I have never seen before. I saw people helping each other with anything and everything they could. I saw strong, loving relationships among neighbors. And I heard praises to God. All of these sights and sounds struck a cord deep within my heart. The sights and sounds of Haiti placed hope in my heart. The sights and sounds all around changed my perspective on the American way of life. Why do we, as a culture, try to give our children more and more materialistic items? Why do we, as a culture, try to live beyond our means just to match our neighbors? Why do we work and work to buy the newest and greatest toys and games or to go on the grandest vacations? Why?  We have stuff to excess and we cannot answer the simple question, why. As I continued to listen to the sounds and view the sights, the joy I was surrounded by was to the extreme and was nothing short of heartwarming. These people were in indescribable poverty, but they were joyful and happy. They did not focus on all the “stuff’ we do, rather they spent time developing relationships within their communities and more importantly they spent time developing their relationships with Jesus. So who really is in the state of poverty? Just maybe, if we as a culture taught our children how to love one another and how to love Jesus with the intensity that some of the Haitians do, then just maybe, we would experience the same joy and happiness! Why do we fervently seek instant satisfaction that only lasts a short while? Why don’t we turn our focus and strive for eternal satisfaction that will last forever?

The kids arrived for school and I could not help but to notice their shoes. Some were mismatched, some were too big, some were too small, some had holes, and some were nearly nonexistent. I looked down at my own shoes as I remembered packing my “old” shoes, but mine appeared brand new compared to the kids’ shoes and soon keeping my shoes clean did not seem to matter. As the school days went on, we learned more about some of the kids, I was heartbroken to hear of their lives, either current or past. Most of the children we encountered were child slaves who have had their childhoods ripped from them. Child slaves who had nothing but the clothes on their backs. Child slaves who did not have games, toys, bikes, etc. These same children displayed beaming smiles and deafening giggles that you could hear a mile away. These same children were the ones walking mile after mile to attend school, not because they had to, but because they wanted to. These same children were the ones trying to give us something and wanted nothing in return. These same children were the ones that taught me of God’s power of healing and redemption. God will heal us from our past. Even through hurt and pain, God will heal us and transformation will come. I saw it in those children’s eyes and I heard it in those tiny little voices. 

We also participated in two feeding programs. As I watched the massive amount of kids walking for miles, for hours to receive food, I was immediately heartbroken. I could have never imagined how many kids would show up to these feeding programs. And I could count the number of adults on one hand. Where are all the adults? At the first feeding program, God placed a young child in my arms that changed my life. This little girl who could not have been much more than a year old placed a burden in my heart like I have never felt before. She fell asleep in my arms as the other kids where participating in a few activities. As I had to wake her up to set her back down when we left, I was left in tears, with a broken heart. I can still see those eyes that watched intently as I turned my back and walked away. The eyes of a child who was starving. The eyes that screamed of desperation and pain. The eyes that were asking for help. Those beautiful, precious eyes will be with me forever. Forever embedded in my memory. Forever embedded in my heart. The second feeding program brought just as many kids and even less adults. As I looked around, I saw selflessness. I saw a young girl extremely worried that her little sister was not going to get any food because she fell asleep. I saw a young boy fill a bowl with food to take home before taking a bite himself. I saw a young child offer their food to another even though he was starving as well. Selflessness in such small bodies! Conviction! Food is something I take for granted day in and day out. Something I have never had to worry about not having. Something that is in excess and wasted on a daily basis in the US.

The church service we attended was full of celebration. CELEBRATION!! Yes, the music was off beat and out of tune, but it didn’t matter, the people were celebrating their love for Jesus Christ. The singing was loud, the praise was loud, and the shouting was loud. The people within the church walls displayed true, authentic faith despite their daily struggles that I could never imagine living through.  This is what true faith looks like! I witnessed many people deep in prayer and I found myself wondering what they were praying for. I will never know what they prayed for that day, but I do know that they sought prayer with deep faith in the Lord.  Yes, those in Haiti may be in “poverty” if we consider poverty as a lack of financial and materialistic stability…but if we consider poverty as a lack of faith in God and love for Jesus and one another, then maybe some in Haiti are not in poverty at all….

We live in a world where we place people on a pedestal and then attempt to live by comparing ourselves to those people. The end result = discouragement, self-hatred, disappointment, unworthiness, etc, etc, etc…I could go on and on, but most of all, it leads to unhappiness and a life full of everything but joy, happiness, and satisfaction. Why do we do this? I cannot answer that question. Maybe our focus should be placed on loving our neighbors and loving ourselves. Maybe we should focus a little more on strengthening our relationship with God and loving Christ with everything we have. Then maybe, just maybe, we will experience a life full of joy and happiness rather than a life of continuous defeat and discouragement. 

Once we left Gressier, to make the four hour journey to Cazale, I felt a little sad because this meant we were one step closer to leaving. As we sat on the bus, I just looked out the window and soaked everything in…all the sights and sounds. As we made our way up the mountain, I had no idea what we were about to encounter at Real Hope for Haiti. The stories that were spoken struck a cord deep in my heart. As we entered a room where, lying on a table was a lifeless shell of a precious baby wrapped in a blanket from head to toe. I honestly have no clue what this room was for or what was said. My eyes and heart were set on this precious little baby that went to heaven just a few short hours before our arrival. As tears were cemented in my eyes, we turned around and left the room. At that point, I was fearful that these tears would be embedded in me forever…maybe not a staple in my eyes, but a staple upon my heart. We headed to the Rescue Center next. So many children of all ages! My heart melted as I wanted to hug each and every one of them…but I maintained a boundary as I did not want to scare them by being the “crazy blan” running towards them. We then headed to the ICU…again, so many children…so many babies. So much sickness…so much sadness.

I headed back to the Rescue Center to see a few kids that needed attention from a therapist. As I stepped into the Rescue Center, I took a deep breath and dove right in. While “working”, I somehow managed to block out all emotions and put blinders onto the reality of all situations. But as I took the last child back down the stairs to the nannies, I found myself stuck. After I handed her to the nanny, I just stood in the middle of the room. All I could do was look around. I could not move my feet. I just stood there as tears filled my eyes. I did not want to move, I did not want to leave. I looked at all the precious children lying on the floor. I looked at the scripture painted on the wall – Matthew 19:14. I looked at all the smiles on the kid’s faces. I looked at the child stuck in a crib that was way too small for her. I looked at the kid’s with obvious special needs that lay on the floor unable to sit up or move around. I looked at the lack of toys. I just stood and looked around…I felt sad, I felt selfish, I felt discouraged, I felt many things. (And yes, I probably became that “crazy blan” in that exact moment.) But as I stood there, I also felt God’s presence. I felt God place his arms around me as if he was telling me that everything was going to be okay. I then felt hope. Hope for all the children. Hope for the nannies and the workers. Hope for the ministry of Real Hope. Just hope. It was then that many truths of God’s mercy and grace came into full reality. The truth that one day all mouths will be fed. The truth that one day all sickness will be healed. The truth that one day all orphan beds will be empty. The truth that one day all frowns and tears will be replaced with smiles and laughter. The truth that one day all will receive true, unconditional love. The truth that one day all suffering will end and all things will become new. The truth that one day every child of God will have a safe place to call home. Eventually I, somehow, finally got the courage to move one foot in front of the other and headed back up the stairs to gather my stuff and head back to the group. As we pulled away from Real Hope, I fell into prayer…that is all I could do. A prayer for God to continue to protect the kids and this ministry….

I was sad to leave Haiti. It was hard to turn my back on Haiti. It was hard to head back to the US…back to my selfish life…back to what is my “reality”…back to my comfort zone where I feel stuck…back to going through the motions…back to the “to do” lists and the deadlines…just back to “home”. But while in Haiti, God gave me peace all while placing a burden upon my heart. I do not know what the future will hold, but the one thing I am confident about is that God is at work in Haiti!

Proverbs 31:8 – “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.”

John 14:18 – “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”

Matthew 19:14 – “Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’”

1 Samuel 16:7 – “…the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Psalm 33:20-22 – “We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O lord, even as we put our hope in you.”

1 Peter 5:10 – “And God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”

Isaiah 66:14 – “When you see this, your heart will rejoice and you will flourish like grass; the hand of the Lord will be made known to his servants, but his fury will be shown to his foes.”

1 John 4:19 – “We love because he first loved us.”

....Stayed tuned for further information on my upcoming trip to Haiti....