"Jete Li" and more

Just a warning…this post is very scattered and encompasses the ramblings of my mind in no organized manner. I am asked frequently and have been for years why I do not post more often. OR I am asked why I do not post with full vulnerability and transparency. I never have a good response to these questions so I tend to say, “I am just too busy these days”.  But in reality, it is really because I do not know how to respond. I simply cannot develop appropriate sentences to convey what my feelings and emotions want. No words will fully suffice what is on my mind and in my heart.

I feel like this will be a blog of a countless amount of discombobulated words possibly impossible for any human brain to sort out and make sense of. None the less…here are my ramblings….

“Jete Li”. In English, “throw him/her/it away”. This is a term I hear a lot, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily. “Jete li”. My heart is shattered into a million pieces each and every time I hear those words. This phrase is a common occurrence due to parents/caregivers being told to throw out their child if he/she has a disability or special need. Literally, they are told to throw their child away…to get rid of him. Parents hear this from doctors, family members, community members, and strangers passing by.

Imagine having a son with Down Syndrome and the first thing that is said to you after delivery is “He’s no good. You need to get rid of him”. Imagine bringing home your precious daughter who has spina bifida or cerebral palsy and the first thing your family says is “She’s ugly, give her away. We don’t want her in our family”.  Imagine hearing these comments on a daily basis if you choose to keep your child that you love unconditionally regardless of the presence of a diagnosis.

Unfortunately, this is reality for so many that come to the therapy clinic with their child. Looks of defeat and hopelessness overwhelm a parents face when arriving to the clinic for the first time while carrying their beloved children. We invite them in with welcoming arms and accepting conversation, and it is as if they are soldiers coming off the front line bloody and beaten and are finally able to sit and breath for the first time in a long time. Sometimes for the first time since their child was born. Countless times, a parent looks at me with tears in her eyes as she quietly states with a sense of shame, “will you take my child? I cannot keep her?” Each of those words and each tear is a dagger in my heart being twisted with greater force each time. As I feel her pain enter into my soul, tears form, and I gently place my hand on her shoulder and I tell her “You can do this. We will help you do this”.  Minute by minute you can see a glimmer of hope slightly emerge from many. Hope does not always peak its head out quickly, but oftentimes, I get a little nudge from God that gently assures me it is coming. As a parent sits in the therapy room for a short time, she is able to see other kids and adults receiving therapy and more importantly she is able to connect with other parents. As conversations ensue, fear slowly escapes her soul and a small smile gradually forms. Again, some parents take a little longer than others, but when that genuine smile first emerges my soul bursts with joy, as I know God is at work within them. And a lot of times within the first visit to the clinic, parents are able to gather up enough strength and courage to return to the next appointment. This turns into weeks of showing up for appointments and then months.

Strong and courageous are two common adjectives in my vocabulary to describe the parents and caregivers I have the privilege to work with on a daily basis. I have carried patients up and down the mountain and along the main road…and I have endured the stares, the hateful comments, the tormenting taunts, etc. All because the child I was carrying had a disability. The parents endure this each and every time they step foot outside of their house. The child hears those words and sees the actions of others every single day of their lives. Parents try to protect them, but it is unavoidable. To bring a child with sa disability out of a house and move around in the community let alone travel to other communities takes unimaginable courage and strength. It is so much easier to hide the child and to pretend like the child does not exist, which is still a very common occurrence. But the parents that bring their child to therapy do so regardless of the comments and the stares. And you know what, the majority of the parents are so proud of their child that eventually when those comments are thrown their way, they show off the kid and respond joyfully and gracefully…and now even throw education at those who satan puts in their path. 

I am going to rewind a bit to when I first started the therapy program back in 2015. I had only been in Haiti for a short time when God first laid it on my heart to start an actual therapy program and not just see a handful of kids. I was extremely hesitant as I thought, “how in the world am I going to start a therapy program?? I don’t know how to do that…I won’t be good at that, no way.”  If you read previous blog posts, you will get more of the story of how this all unfolded. But during the initial stages, God sent so many amazing parents who wanted to share their stories with me. Yep, you’re probably thinking, “why Ashley?” I was thinking the same thing, “why me?” I do not have kids of my own let alone a child with disabilities. I had never started nor run a therapy clinic and had no idea how to even begin. But there I was standing in the medical clinic with groups of parents and kids listening to them pour their hearts out to me…a complete stranger. As they talked, I began to learn so much about the special needs population in Haiti and even more about the parents who courageously choose to keep their children. I wish I could type out all of their stories and share with everyone because they are absolutely painfully beautiful, but I would need a thousand pages to do so and I am assuming most of you are getting a little bored with my ramblings just in this one blog post. But, these initial stories and that phrase “jete li”, were the building blocks for the parent support group that was started in mid 2015. The foundation of the support group is unfortunately solidified by the pain and hurt that parents and families have endured.

Belo was so confident in starting this group, but I was fearful because I had zero confidence in myself to prepare for and run a support group for parents who have been through so many hardships that I could not even begin to comprehend. But God. He built this group and He was and continues to be the leader of the group. I stepped out of my flesh and right into the arms of the Lord. I prayed for him to guide me through the preparation and the implementation of group and He did just that. God has used the parent support group not only to support the parents and families, but also as an educational avenue for me to dive deep into a culture that is not my own. Through that, I am better prepared to encourage and empower families and patients on a daily basis. Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes as I think about how beautiful it is that God prepares his soldiers perfectly in order to fight His battles. So group started and still continues today…

In parent support group, the stories that are shared are heart wrenching. I tend to not share these stories with many as I try to respect those that openly share their personal lives in a private setting. For many years I have prayed for discernment regarding how much to share, to expose.  Recently, one thing that has been weighing heavily on my heart is the fact that I am here in Haiti to not only hear and live the stories of these strong, courageous parents, family members, and caregivers, but also to share these stories so the disability population and their families no longer go unnoticed, no longer go unheard. God wants them to be heard and prayed for and loved. Their voices need to be heard because they are powerful!

Proverbs 31:8-9 – “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy”. God laid this scripture on my heart many years ago when He first gave me that little nudge to start a therapy program. Sadly, I have been failing at this. I have not been advocating to the extent that God wants me to advocate. They need to be heard. They are all precious children of God and he wants his children heard and loved. Sometimes God calls us to stay silent in a fight, but other times he calls us to scream and shout and fight for justice and equality. So here I am to scream and shout for his beloved people. (and I want to explain that this verse nor my words mean that people do not have a voice and need someone to actually speak for them, but rather, sometimes support and encouragement is needed for one to USE their voice with confidence...)

Read a few snapshots of stories that I have encountered over the years…some may be hard to read, I left out the worst stories, but let this soak in a bit….

- A mother of a baby diagnosed with Down Syndrome – the doctor told her that her baby was no good and to get rid of her immediately. Mom took the baby and ran before any one could intervene and take her baby from her. Her decision to keep her precious baby resulted in domestic abuse prior to her and the baby being abandoned by all family members including the father of the baby. They were left to survive on their own.

- A dad who has a child with cerebral palsy. Mom decided to listen to those around her and left because she believed she was to blame for her son’s diagnosis. She was told the cerebral palsy was a direct result of her sins. The dad is no longer able to work because he has to take care of his son. Now they are trying to survive in severe poverty.

- The mother who desperately needs a little respite, but no one is there to help care for her child. She knows that if a family member were to care for him even for an hour or two, he would not be properly taken care of or worse and fall under the hands of an abuser.

- The mother who did allow a family member to take care of her daughter for just 2 hours only to come home to find her child sitting in a soiled diaper while a person is forcing feces into her mouth as a punishment

- The mother of a 7 year old child who is 19 pounds and has cerebral palsy but she has no means to care for him…and all options provided to her fall through due to her own mental illness.

- The mom and dad coming in with a baby with severe hydrocephaly…their first question, “is our baby going to die?” They ask this with tears in their eyes because their first and only other child died due to a heart condition that was not treatable in Haiti…and you know the reality of the situation

- The parents who end up walking a far distance carrying their child because public transportation (tap taps and motos) will not stop to pick them up because the child has a visible disability

- The parents of children who have diagnoses that are relatively easily treatable in the United States, but in Haiti, if the child is not severe enough then he will not receive a needed life saving surgery…and if the child is too severe, then he will not receive a needed life saving surgery. Us being left to explain this

- The mother who was told by many doctors and an orphanage that her child was no good…and her breaking under the pressure of the lies and deception resulting in her decision to throw her precious child over a bridge to a waterless ravine that was home to wild hogs

- The mother who has thoughts of suicide and/or thoughts about killing her child because the pressure placed on her by her family and community to give her child away is just too much to bear sometimes

Story after story of heartbreak and sadness – many stories are too disheartening to put into written words. But one thing that is certain, the need for therapy and mental health intervention is extremely high and never ending. Daily, individuals show up at the clinic seeking out services. Sometimes, even begging for assistance. Unfortunately, the demand is so great, that we cannot match all the needs. We simply just cannot. During the clinic day, I disconnect from my emotions because sometimes it is just too much to bear. A little piece of me is chiseled away each time we add a person to the waiting list. The reality of that list is tough…kids have passed away, moms have been abused, families have been broken apart, neglect, starvation, etc. It is all occurred. I am often finding myself thinking, “what if? What if she or he was given services sooner and not put on the waiting? What if?” I cannot get stuck in the “what if’s” in life, but it is hard to not let myself go there. It is hard to not carry all of this on my shoulders. It is hard to not to think that I am not fighting HIS battle well enough. It simply is just hard sometimes.

I want to end by saying…there is also SO much joy and happiness that occurs daily in the therapy clinic. Aside from a few crying patients, you will often hear laughter and cheering seeping out of the hallway of the therapy rooms. We strive to provide a space that overwhelms one with a sense of safety, acceptance, joy and love the minute the threshold is crossed. On the walls you will see pictures of current and past patients. You will hear worship music blaring while patients, staff, and families sing along to many of the songs. You will witness first hand tears of joy as a new milestone is achieved. You will hear so much conversation amongst parents and families that it is literally deafening at times. Overall, within the walls of the therapy clinic, you will see God fervently at work protecting his people by fighting of satan’s tactics. The special needs population in Haiti is truly the “least of the least of these”…and each and every victory really makes satan angry. And boy does he go on a violent rampage attacking in every way possible. But God. God is way bigger. 

and a very random side note...the post titles on my blog have all of a sudden changed to blue? I really want it back to the original color, but cannot figure out how to so if anyone has any knowledge on this, please pass it along to me :) 

The Three Stooges, Minus Mo...

This past Wednesday morning a fellow therapist and I began our journey to an organization nestled away in a little town outside of Cap-Haitien where we are staying for a week. We decided to fly from Port au Prince to Cap-Haitien instead of enduring the annoyingly long drive on a hot bus. The small airport that flys to Cap-Haitien is a much more pleasant experience than the main airport. It's quiet and calm and they even provided delicious Haitian coffee served in fancy little coffee mugs. I was not sure if I was to extend my pinky finger while enjoying the liquid encouragement or not. Erin unfortunately did not struggle with this decision as she was served her coffee in a small plastic cup....even strangers know her clumsiness with breakable items. After many laughs regarding how fancy I was with this little coffee mug and enduring many stares from others in the waiting area due to our lack of fancy clothes and shoes, off we went in our little puddle jumper plane. Thankfully the flying experience was much better than my first experience in that tiny plane and twenty five minutes later after a smooth flight we landed in Cap-Haitien, found the driver, and headed out to the organization that is our home for the week after a quick stop at a small store to buy food items. Due to the amazing selection at the store, or lack there of, our nightly dinners consist of pasta and tomato sauce, tuna, crackers, and canned vegetables. Don't be too jealous about our array of amazingly delicious food options. 

Upon arrival we quickly made ourselves at home...literally...we got out of the car and marched right into the guesthouse and got settled as of we lived here permanently. Then we quickly thought, "maybe we should tell the staff that we are here??" 

The first two days were highly successful as we completed 16 evaluations/assessments, fixed a few pieces of equipment, fitted a few orthotics, gathered all information for updated treatment plans, etc. We have shared many laughs and great conversation over the first two days. It was great catching up with the on ground staff and the therapy staff. And seeing all the kids again and meeting new little ones has been the best. 

This brings us to today...day three. We started our morning off debating who was on their "A" game today. You see, each day we decide what grade of a day that each of us is functioning on. We know that if at least one of us is on their "A" game, then we will have a successful day. But this morning...as I struggled to formulate a functional sentence in any language and Erin struggled with sensory overload trying to block out the noise from the daily weed eater outside our window we had a serious discussion regarding who was bringing their "A" game today. We decided to solve this delimma with a serious game of Rock Paper Scissors for the ultimate decision. As we started up the game, my heart started racing and all I could think was "I hope today is not the day for my "A" game".....

Whew. God had me covered in that one. Erin won and got the privilege of being on her "A" game for the day. Relief overflowed my body.

But five minutes later, I made a decision about our schedule that was way better than Erin's suggestion...I then questioned her ability to handle the "A" game today, but we quickly decided it doesn't start until we step foot out of the door. 

As we were finally heading out the door, 30 minutes later than scheduled, Erin stated "ok, A game here we come". I questioned her usage of "we", to which she explained she was referring to her and the hamsters in her head. Again, I was left questioning her ability to succeed at the "A" game for the day. Regardless, off we went to face the adventures awaiting us.

Our morning was not nearly as successful as the previous days. Around 11am we both were moving in slow motion and dragging our feet a bit. It was clearly evident that today was not a day for anyone's "A" game. 

After lunch we had 15 minutes to spare to which we decided we would lay on the couches instead of using our time wisely. And I must say that it was a glorious feeling for every part of me to lay motionless on that couch even if it was just for fifteen minutes. It always amazes me how quick 15 minutes goes by when relaxing and how slow it goes by when working....

Anyway, we gave ourselves a pep talk and off we went to see the next crew of kids. 

The rest of the afternoon was pretty uneventful aside from a few smacks to the face and butt smacks from aggressive little humans, working on our dodgeball skills as other playful children pelted us with balls, and Erin learning "RBF" due to a sassy little human giving us the eye when we entered into her home until the moment we left. 

Take aways from the day:

1. A cement drill bit does not easily drill into plastic.
2. We tend to take the longest route possible when walking from place to place...and often have to walk the same path 20 times due to our poor memory. 
3. Ashley was in fact not raised by a cow.
4. Neither of us were actually on our "A" game. 

Good thing we serve a merciful And gracious God because tomorrow is a new day and I am sure we will both be on our "A" game!! 

Disclaimer: explanation of the title of this blog - - typically, Erin and I are traveling alongside our other friend, Autumn. We make quite the group and have been deemed "The Three Stooges" as each of us take on a character of a Stooge. Unfortunately, this trip, Autumn was unable to join in on the fun so we are down a stooge. Next time though we will all be back together. 

Stay tuned for more adventures from the now Two Stooges...

Haitiversary and more...

Recently, I was walking up the mountain and began reflecting on the past few years. I tend to do that while I am walking – dive into my thoughts and process life here in a foreign country that is not all that foreign anymore. Then it hit me like a freight train…all the “anniversaries” that have seemed to quickly approach. I am not sure “anniversary” is an accurate word; however my brain is tired and I cannot come up with a more efficient word.  A small overview…

TEN years ago on July 31^st, I completed my Masters degree. Whoa. I was not prepared for that realization. Ten years ago we presented our Masters research projects representing the completion of our college education and the start to life in the “real world”.

August 2^nd brought about the four-year mark of my move to Haiti or what we tend to refer to as our “Haitiversary”. I struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that four years ago I packed up my belongings and set out on a 5-month adventure….

August 4^th marked ten years, yes 10 years again, since I started my career as an occupational therapist. Ten years. I know that in hindsight, this is not a long time...and it has not felt like ten years, as I cannot believe how fast the past ten years have flown by, but ten years just sounds like a long time.

So this annual “Haitiversary” post will encompass more than just the past four years. A fair warning – I have done a lot of walking lately – so this may be long and it may be scattered, but it will transparent and honest (well…as transparent as I get in sharing my inner thoughts).

When I set out on the journey of completing OT school, I was full of self-doubt. Not only did I set out to achieve a master’s degree, but I set out to complete that in only 4 years. I was not a bad student in high school; however I was not an over achiever or super motivated as a student. I received good grades, but I did not over exert myself by any stretch of the mind. Once I hit college, I stepped away from sports and focused solely on academics…but I did not know what I was getting myself into with undertaking a 4-year master’s degree program. Throughout the four years, there were many times that I really thought I would not succeed; however I am not sure why I felt that way. I think possibly, I stressed myself out by enjoying my college years a little too much all while undertaking a heavy class load. But somehow, I managed to pull off good grades and even completed the program with honors. I surprised myself to be honest. I am sure this did not surprise some; however I know it was a bit of a shock to many. I honestly surprised myself as I maintained a self-defeating, self-doubt mindset almost throughout the entire four years. But none the less, I quickly found myself onto the next stage of life – the “real world”.

Four days after graduation, I joined the team at Kenny Rogers Children’s Center in Sikeston, Missouri. If you have not heard about this facility yet, please take the time to check it out at www.kennyrogerscenter.org. The center is a non-for-profit therapy facility providing OT, PT, and speech therapy services to children birth-21 years old of varying diagnoses. I was lucky enough to complete a 3-month clinical rotation at Kenny Rogers as part of my schooling. I was even more blessed that the staff saw something in me that I did not see in myself and offered me a job for after graduation, which was another 4-5 months away. Oftentimes, pediatric settings require experience in order to be hired as a therapist, which means new graduates are not typically hired. However, the center is fond of hiring new graduates and provides ample continuing education opportunities as well as a mentorship program. So for me, the philosophy of the center along with the continuing education opportunities resulted in my dream job. This job also came along with lifelong friendships with parents/families and co-workers. I typically always visit when I am in the area because it is still very much part of my life. I will also be forever thankful of the amazing educational opportunities while working at Kenny Rogers…it expanded my scope of practice in ways I never could have imagined.  

In addition, and most importantly, when I first set out into the real world, I was not a follower of Christ. I was actually pretty lost in life. On the outside, I had things together for the most part. But internally, I struggled a significant amount with knowing my self-worth. To the point, I pretty much had zero self-worth. I had already criticized myself in every way that if someone gave me a positive comment, I did not believe it. Moving to Cape Girardeau to work at Kenny Rogers was completely life changing, not only professionally, but also personally. Yes, it was a huge building block of my career, but ultimately, God took me there to find Him. He graciously surrounded me by people who spoke truth to me in a way that I did not feel less than or messed up. He surrounded me with people of deep faith who struggled with some of the same things I struggled with. People who walked beside me every step of the way with no judgment even when I messed up. I wholeheartedly know that if I had not taken the leap to move further away from family and friends to Cape Girardeau, then I would not have found Christ when I did…and I know my life would be drastically different then it is now….

I did not realize that OT was a true passion of mine for a really long time. I loved my career and I loved being an OT; however there was always a little part of me that seemed to be longing for more. Little did I know what that truly meant until God brought me to Haiti. Before coming to Haiti, I may have said OT was my passion, but once moving to Haiti, I can wholeheartedly say and believe that OT is a God given passion. My first trip to Haiti brought everything together. While participating in so much continuing education at Kenny Rogers, I occasionally thought “Do I really need this course?”. However, the first time I practiced therapy in Haiti, I quickly realized why God had placed all those opportunities in my path. The education was to be used in Haiti.

Which brings this to Haiti…a 5-month journey that has now turned into a 4+ year journey. If you have been a part of the journey since the beginning, then you would know that I began my Haiti journey in Kwadebouke (Croix-des-Bouquets) prior to moving to Gressier. I lived and worked at an already established, well run rehabilitation clinic. Although, I was there serving as the clinical coordinator for an OT student from the states who was completing a 3 month clinical rotation, I struggled to really have peace about why God had called me to this clinic. I thoroughly enjoyed the five months and learned so much about the culture in Haiti and rehabilitation in Haiti. I also learned a lot about my faith and myself. As my five months was coming to an end in Kwadebouke, I was asked to help with one patient at Respire Haiti. I agreed to serving at Respire to help this one patient and to work with a handful of other students who would benefit from therapy services.

When I first arrived in Gressier, I quickly realized that I was jumping into an environment that was already established within the staff…hmm…how do I explain that? Everyone had already appeared to be very close as many had been at Respire for a good amount of time…so I was jumping into a social situation where I definitely was a little bit on the outside. Well, probably not a little bit - definitely on the outside. I do not tend to be hesitant of change and typically jump into change without second thought, so that is what I did and began evaluating students 1-2 days after arriving on ground. I began working with Caila daily and a handful of other students each week.

After just three weeks, I was back on a plane with Caila heading to the states for what was supposed to be 4 weeks. Our trip ended up being 8 full weeks. Read previous blogs for those stories (they are beautiful stories).

Once Caila and I returned to Haiti, I had the expectation to continue working with Caila and the handful of students I was seeing prior to leaving. My time at Respire Haiti was to be just for a short period and to specifically work with Caila. Little did I know what God had planned…

Very quickly, kids started coming to the clinic gate on an almost daily basis. One by one I added kids to my schedule. Once I got up to around 30 or so kids, I felt a nudge and my heart said “keep adding”, but my mind said “no way, stop, you are only here for a short time”. Then one day, around ten referrals showed up at the gate. Not all at once, but throughout the day. In all honesty, fear set in. I fell into prayer and I pleaded with God that I was not the person to start a program or an actual therapy clinic. I would tell him “I am not the one, don’t choose me”. God continue to break down my heart with each and every patient that came knocking. One day, I gave up the fight and fell to my knees and said, “ok God. I will do this. For you, I will do this”. Even then, I did not realize what God was orchestrating. He had set this up perfectly as he normally does. For once, I did not resist to the point that I turned my back as I have done so many times previously in my life. Leading me to only a path of regret and shame. This time, I not only did not turn my back, but I jumped in with two feet and laid everything at His feet. I have been in awe ever since.

God took one child and one therapist and turned that story into a thriving therapy clinic with 5 therapists and hundreds of patients – children and adults. As I reflect on the journey thus far, words cannot describe my emotions or thoughts. It has been far from easy and I have experienced unimaginable heartache and pain. But God. Through the hardships and the pain, God has provided so much joy. When I walk into the therapy clinic, my heart is overwhelmed. Each and every day, I am blessed to be walking through life with so many amazing people. The therapy staff are four of the most amazing people I have ever met. They truly care for each patient and family member that walks through the door. They do not view their work as just a job, but they show a true passion to make a difference in Haiti. Each staff member is beyond willing to educate and empower the population we serve and spread that throughout the community. I prayed for staff for many months and God brought each staff member in His perfect timing. When I was fearful, God was faithful.

The patients and families are just as much as a blessing to me as the staff. I have watched hopeless faces turn into bright smiles and happiness. I have witness so many families go from wanting to give their child away to having an unbreakable bond. I have watched patient’s work harder than I ever could and gain progress that we never thought was possible. I have had children initially turn away from me in fear to running towards me and jumping in my arms in excitement. I have sat and cried in silence with parents/caregivers. I have sat and listened to the most heart wrenching stories I have ever heard, which typically leave me in disbelief. I have cried tears of joy when a child or an adult achieves a milestone we never thought possible. I have endured tragedy and triumph on an almost daily basis.  I have made lifelong friends and have lost a few friends. But each moment – the good, the bad, the ugly – will forever be etched into my heart. I am forever thankful for each one as learning and growth was a product. I have learned so much about my faith and myself and have grown in ways I never thought possible.

Over the past four years, I have experienced so many things that have only left me to say “why God”. Through it all, God has held me in his hands ever so gently and has always whispered to my soul “keep going, you will see”. Every time I have wanted to throw in the towel and give up, God is there saying “keep going”. So I keep going. I will lay it all at His feet and I will keep going through the heartache and the joy and soak up every minute that God gives me while on this journey.